Can Vomit Blood

Never disturb a sleeping baby....

3 am.
Nurse: Doc, can you see this patient.
Doc: Why?
Nurse: He hasn't been able to go to sleep after I woke him up.
Doc: Why you wake him up for?
Nurse: To take his sleeping pills.

.... unless you got milk!

Outbreeding

Many fellow readers still seemed rather interested in dating doctors despite the many warnings I had dished out. Some asked me how to attract the attention of a doctor. You can try bending over your knees and kissing your buttocks. That attracts the attention of anyone.....

Dating doctors are not a good idea at all. really really really. For medical and paramedical staff, as mentioned previously, the simple factor of proximity sometimes sparks relationships. That one is boh bian. Why you want to purposely step on shit, I really dunno. But you want, ok loh.

First and most importantly, don't go pretend to be sick to see a cute doctor. Doctors are not allowed to go out with patients! Ethically forbidden. If you want an essay on boundary violations and why it is unethical to do so, email me, lets not bore the rest of the readers.

So how to meet doctors leh? I am in the process of starting the Og's registry of single doctors. The progress is slow as many had returned my survey form as "unspecified" or "I am in the process of breaking up". In the mean time I know some single doctors lurking around SDU and that gym I mentioned before.

To date a doctor, you have to tolerate certain idiosyncracies.

1. Like talking about gory things over dinner......
Doc: this drumstick really reminds me of the broken leg I fixed just now.
The Date: oh really? how so? (kay kay (pretend) interested)
Doc: here have some, can't finish (he breaks the drumstick from the spring chicken) you know, the leg was hanging loose like this drumstick loh (he swings the drumstick like a pendulum), wah I tell you, the blood splurt splurt splurt (he puts the drumstick on her plate and started pouring ketchup for her). Eat leh!
The Date abit nauseated but politely took a bite: how exciting..... heh heh.....
Doc: come to think of it, din wash my hands. you wait ar, I go wash room.

2. Like he is never sympathetic when you are sick.
The Date: I think I got dengue.
Doc: Fever?
The Date: Yes...
Doc: Muscle pain?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Headache?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Rashes?
The Date: No...
Doc: Not Dengue. Where we going for dinner? Lets go back to the same place, I saw another broken leg today!

3. Like he is also not sympathetic when your relatives are sick.
The Date: The doctor says my mum has Myasthenia Gravis.
Doc: Oh, that came out for my MBBS long case. Interesting case it was too.....

4. Like he is always walking so fast.
The Date: Can you walk slower abit. My feet got blisters already....
Doc: Sorry, walk so slow can never finish morning round one. I 'm used to this pace. You will get use to the blister one.

5. Like he is always too busy to go out with you.
HO: heh, what happened, you look so sad?
MO: my girlfriend just sms me to breakup.....
HO: what happened, quarrelled about something?
MO: where got quarrel? haven't seen her for one week.....

Climate of Fear

After a seemingly mundane consultation in the specialist out patient clinic, a patient asked.....

Patient: Loctor, wat your name?
MO instinctively shifts his elbow abit to hide his name tag: Why you want to know?
Patient: No lah, wats your name.
MO (suspicious): Yah, why you want my name?
Patient: ????
MO (remembers his risk management lectures): You got any complaints or problems can tell me. I help you!
Patient: No lah, see you so many times liao, still don't know your name. Name tag so small cannot see.

Living in a climate of fear makes people paranoid.

Good Clean Fun

Nurses at enema spas do not, i repeat, do not look like this.


What is good clean fun? Insulting your teachers on blogs apparently is not.
I agree that sometimes our young ones are really boh tua boh suay (no big no small). But other than punishing and suspending the students, will the school also educate them accordingly? Will the teachers who were insulted take some time to also reflect on why their rapport with the students were so poor?

What is good clean fun? Laughing about ouselves is sometimes not.
I started my blog so that I can laugh at myself and also my colleagues. I blog about things that amuses me. And sometimes it amuses others. The funny situations I blogged about though resembling real life events are largely fictional. But a joke and an insult is just one thin line apart. I do not mean to insult anyone or any organisation. When someone feels upset about my posts, the joke is no more because it doesn't amuse me anymore.

What is good clean fun? Visiting lup sup bar is not.
A non doctor good friend frequents lup sup bars. He declares it is "Good clean fun" as long as there is no sex. I am sure his wife would disagree.

What is good clean fun? Enema is definitely NOT.
Of all the patients I had ordered enema for, none had ever enjoyed it. So I find the idea of an enema spa bizzare and rather repulsive. Of course that is just me. But Blinkymummy (read this), there is one thing I can guarantee you, it is never clean.

Tube feeding for the man with a butt-face...

Binary Confusion Part 1

Computer: Your password is overdue. Please change your password.
Doc: Again? $%#@!!!
(types):******
Computer: Your new password must be different from your old one. Please reenter your password.
Doc: Wah liao.....
(types):******
Computer: Your new password must be different from your previous 4 passwords. Please reenter your password.
Doc: Chow turtle!!!!!!

You see, I have passwords for at least 5 different programs from prescription to claiming allowances. Each has to be changed periodically. I was told I should not use English words or birth dates or my name. Safe passwords should be alpha-numeric and make no sense. Eg: s1fg355s9
So every now and then I have to call the techies,
Doc: Ehh, I forgot my password again...... can reset?

Yup, these days at State General, everything is (suppose to be) electronic and paperless. Sometimes it is quite amusing to see the old profs struggle with computers. But it is really not funny when the system breaks down on you in the middle of a busy clinic.

Doc calls tech line: Hello. System down again.....
Techie: Can you close the window and open again?
Doc: basket, I thought the open close window thing is a joke?
Techie: hahaha, yah. But really, can you shut down your comp and restart.
Doc: But the error message says SQL down leh, think its your central server.
Techie: nevermind that, just shut down, Window(TM) works in mysterious ways.
Doc: I very busy wor, patients all popping their head in liao, how long this gonna take?
Techie: ok, ok I come down.

Techie who is a young punk with yellow hair comes down.
Techie: hi Doc, My name Beckham. You wait ar!
He starts running norton antivirus.
Doc: Basket, server problem why you run norton?
Techie: thats the protocol mah. First open and close window, then run antivirus. After that run ad-aware lah! If still cannot call troubleshooter in India lor!

Cross Breeding

A doctor-doctor relationship invariably breaks down when the man doctor realizes the woman doctor has no intention to give up her practice to start a family. Of course those female chavinist will argue: "Why not the man give up his career???" But we all know very well that if the man did that, he will still lose his woman. Who are we kidding, DOH!

While its attempts at inbreeding might have failed, the fish does not swim far beyond its pond to look for a new prey. It usually cross breeds with other species within the hospital same pool of water.

By natural selection, nurses become the target of choice. Of course we are not talking about senior senior senior staff nurses like Suzie and Wuzie here (read this). Those belong in our hall of fame simply on the terms of their antiquity. We are talking about young and pretty little Missies just fresh from nursing school. Let Dr Og warn you here that there ARE wolf-doctors in sheepskins preying on these young impressionable girls. Though on the same note, there are girls who became nurses with the sole aim of marrying a doctor. Of course these blacksheeps belong to the minority and are prolly regressive individuals who never got beyond uniform fetishism.

The majority of doctors are really just dorks when it comes to the affairs of the heart. However don't we just LOVE those protocols and clinical pathways! Allow Dr Og to guide you with the all new, validated Og's Pathway of Finding True Love In Hospital:

Step 1: Research
I'm not trying to ask you to go and get a PI to investigate the girl lah . Background research is essential to find out if the ger is already attached (means no hope liao) or if she is even remotely interested. The best way is to ask the other nurses (never mind being laughed at!). One of my colleague made the mistake of asking a soft spoken Staff Nurse for a date without first finding out that she did not like short plumbish doctor with receding hairline who are 10 years older than herself. She screamt her head off and ran away.

Step 2: Induction
In kindergarten, you expressed your love by pulling the girl's hair. You can very much do the same in the wards though Dr Og really doubt that the nurse you are interested in will appreciate it very much. Try instead to induce some feelings by arguing about why the patient required hourly monitoring or refusing to set a new plug for the one she had dislodged again.

Step 3: Reconciliation
If you successfully created some sparks with the man-made friction and avoided getting yourself burnt with a complaint, you know you can proceed further. Now is the time to buy her some hot drinks from the vending machine during the cold and lonely night calls. She will appreciate the fact that you remember her despite a busy call though you really just wanted to do things on the sly for fear of getting ridicued!

Step 4: Look, Listen, Feel
Look to see if she recipocrate. Suddenly, your plugs stop dislodging mysteriously and your morning bloods are all taken.
Listen for any rumours or gossips amongst her jie mei. If she is to reject you, it is likely she will be broadcasting your antics as a joke to the whole world.
Feel. Not asking you to feel her all over! At this stage, you will just end up arrested. Feel instead for the vibes!

Step 5: Group therapy
Things are going your way but you are shy and she is shy. So how? It is now time to invite other doctors and nurses for an outing in a group. You can ask her for her handphone number on the pretext of the outing. This will be a chance for you to get to know her outside the hospital setting. (And also to see if she looks good in something other than her uniform!)

Step 6: Individual Therapy
During the group outings, create some opportunities to be with her alone. Volunteer to drive her home. Set up the next date with her alone! You are almost done!

Step 7: Boundary Setting
Like the cat, you must set up boundaries and declare the territory yours. Unlike the cat, urintating is not going to work. Set up a spy network of doctors and nurses to monitor for any invading enemies. If you find any other doctors trying step 1 to 6 with your ger, bring him to one corner and sort things out. If not, get your friends to blanket him (provided he is more junior than you)!

Attempts to bluff xiao mei mei to the call room in your birthday suit will earn you an automatic expulsion from the faternity!

Inbreeding

One night, a classmate from med school came to chat with me after admitting his patient to my ward. Actually Dr Og has the memory of a goldfish and had forgotten his name altogether. So I tried to quickly switch the topic to his girlfriend, another classmate whom I knew better.

Og: So how's A ah?
Classmate-dunno-name stared at me in awkward silence but managed to mumble something after a while: She should be alright..... I guess.....

I got the drift and quickly excused myself on the pretext of having to answer a page.

The next day, I went to kaypoh abit and found out that A had broken up with T (I also found out his name hahaha). The disturbing thing was that A is now going out with C another colleague of mine and T is going after J, also my classmate. T also happened to be the ex boyfriend of W who was in the same department as me. Confused? Go draw the relationship diagram yourself!!

Indeed, inbreeding (jargon for those involved in doctor-doctor-relationship) is prevalent in medicine. This results in the intricate and sometimes embarrasing relationships amongst doctors. Consider this imaginary scenerio:

Dr Tan's wife is pregnant with twins and will be undergoing lower segment caeserian section at a local hospital. In the OT,

Anaesthetist: Hi, Mrs Tan. I'm Dr W, your anaesthetist for today. Oh, I happen to also be your husband's ex girlfriend. Your surgeon today is Dr C, (lowers her volume), I actually dumped him last time for your husband. Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge against Dr Tan. I'm now happily married to Dr B. He is your baby's neonatologist!
Mrs Tan: Can you get my husband here, I will like to kill him!

So you see, relationships between doctors are often uncomfortable and bizarre with the rampant inbreeding. If Dr Og needed a circumcision, rest assured he will be crossing the causeway to our neighbouring country.

Introducing Whiny

Hello world, I'm Whiny the talking stethoscope.

Og: Eh.... you one of those rejected mascots?

Wah lau, I'm not rejected lah, but they neber use me only.
They preferred dancing veges.


Og: Sure or not?

Ok lah, tell you all the truth, they say I look like a snake..... wait scare little children...... haha!

Whoa! am I sexy or what!


My current altruistic mission is to continue the crusade against ill health! (England cheem or what, haha). Without all the cheesy jingles and TV ads of course!

Today, my topic will be on BMI.

A normal BMI is between 20-25. Beyond 25 you are a fat bastard!

Og: Eh, I think you outdated liao leh. This is the new guideline lah!

Oh really??

Neber mind! Then let me tell you about high blood pressure! Before I became a mascot, I was a BP set stethoscope, but I broke up with the sphygmomanometer when I found out she was seeing a Littman Classic! That bitch.....

Well, back to health education! Anything above 140/90mmHg is considered high blood pressure and you have to see doctor and start life style modifications! Means you gotta get your fat ass out of the couch and do some exercise!!!!

Og: Hmmmm, i think there is a new guideline for hypertension.

What???? Change again?? Wah biang! Ok, ok, don't think you can dent my passion for public education like that! Better go get more CME points and update myself.....

I'll be BACK!
Watch out for Whiny and his friends as they fumble in their feeble attempts at mascoting!

PS: A reader said that I insulted the place she/he is working in with this post. As A Doc's Life is a happy happy blog with no negative intentions of any kind (REALLY!), I edited the post. Hope everyone is happy :)

A Long Time Ago, in a hospital far, far away...Part Two

I did see quite a few cases during the time in the hospital far, far away a long time ago.

The farmer with the cobra bite was lying next to a farmer with viper bite. What I learnt was

1. The farmer with the cobra bite was dying from respiratory failure
2. The farmer with the viper bite was dying from renal failure
3. You can roughly "guess-timate" what species the snake belonged to by looking at the position of the bite. A bite above the ankle, around the shin tends to indicate a cobra. A bite below that would suggest a viper. These two farmers apparently both brought the snakes, which were quite dead on arrival
4. Not everyone can afford anti-venom

The man who fainted while bathing near a generator suffered carbon monoxide poisoning. What I learnt was

1. He was smiling/grinning inappropriately at everyone inside the room
2. He was no longer capable of speaking
3. His son’s intellect is definitely higher than his. His son was around 7 years old
4. He did not know/doesn’t care about what a certain female in his room was doing. The lady was crying. The lady was his wife
5. Not everyone can afford hyperbaric treatment
6. Is there one in that city?

The man lying in the hospital bed placed in the veranda on the 2nd floor. He was in the sun. If it rains, he would be in the rain. What I learnt was

1. He had oral thrush
2. Because he had AIDS
3. He did not have much longer to live. And he’s probably dead by now
4. Doctors there used him to demonstrate oral thrush to the medical students
5. Not everyone can afford anti-retrovirals

The man with the grimace on his face while the nurses was packing the wound had Fournier’s Gangrene. What I learnt was that

1. It looked hideously painful.
2. If I was to rate how painful it looked on a scale of 1 to 10, it would be 100,000,000
3. You really want to look at this only after dinner. (This is a picture lifted off the internet. The man's wound was worse... much worse...)

There's more to come I guess...

家有喜事，本店将休息两天。
如果闲着太闷，请去帮忙杀蚊子！

Houseman Survivor Guide: Kopi Politics

Houseman Survivor Guide (Monkey Edition)
I. Introduction
II. Hospital Hierarchy
III. A Typical Day
IV. Painkillers
V. Meet The F*ckers
VI. Kopi Politics

Do understand that drinking coffee for a HO is not a leisurely activity. It is often a life saving measure. How to survive the rest of the day without a nice cool cup of kopi peng after a horrendous night call with no rest??!! Remember, post call (time off after night call) is a priviledge, NOT A RIGHT.

Kopi peng is the way to go. I will seriously not recommend hot coffee to any HO unless you want to burnt your throat gobbling down your cup-of-chino. No you still won't sound like Darth Vader after that, you idiot!

Notably, drinking coffee has become such an entrenched social activity amongst doctor that it has evolved into Politiks. This is akin to social smoking in other industries whereby if you don't go for smoking breaks with the Boss, you will be excluded from the boy's club. As most doctors do not smoke, or pretend not too, drinking kopi is our own version of social smoking. YEAH!

So dear HOs, please don't reject your senior's kind offer to go for a kopi break. In fact in some disciplines, it is mandatory to lim kopi after the morning rounds. These are times when your seniors actually have time to talk about your performance and as Asians generally do not criticise people in their face, the more you go for kopi, the less likely people will talk bad about you!

It is also tradition that the most senior doctors pay for the kopi while the most junior go pang kopi (carry the coffee). It is important that you know the different combi:

1. Kopi orh kosong: no sugar no milk (for fat doctors on diet)
2. Kopi: with milk with sugar (for fat doctors, how did you think they became fat in the first place?)
3. Kopi Si: with evaporated milk (for fat doctors with no idea what they want)
4. Kopi Peng: with ice (for fat doctors who otherwise will be perspiring away)

(NB: If you purchase a full copy of the HO survivor guide, Dr Og not only teach you how to carry coffee, I will also teach you how to carry ass! Order one today!)

Sometimes, our poor HOs don't even have time to get a decent cup of coffee. I once saw this poor chap (yes Rambo, I'm talking about you!) pouring a packet of 3 in 1 into his mouth after a busy night call!!! So sad hor..... like that waste coffee!

I Love You Too

I once had an eccentric colleague named Bob (name changed to protect his identity). He was 5 years older than I was and I loved listening to his exploits.

One day, we were just having our usual boh liao conversation when he told me, " You know BL, I told my mum that I loved her yesterday......"

While you might see caucasians hugging one another in sitcoms saying "I love you all" all the time, we Chinese never ever do so. Maybe he came from a really westernized family?

"No lah." He replied. "Its just that it hasn't been easy for me to get to where I am today if not for them. I always felt I never thank my parents enough."

Indeed, Bob did not take the usual route to medicine. He only decided he wanted to study the art of healing after he completed his National Service. He had to wait another year while he applied for an overseas university and his parents had to mortgage their flat to support him through his studies in UK.

"After that, I ran up to my dad, gave him a hug and said I love you too!" He said, laughing. "He looked so in shock, I was worried he would get a stroke, hahaha...."

His words made me wonder when it was that I last expressed some form of gratitude towards my own parents. Being ever so busy with work I had always put off plans to bring them out. You cannot forget that important anniversary with the wife or girlfriend without grave consequences but you always knew that all your parents would say is "Its ok, the next time" if you had to cancel. Perharps all that is needed was a simple gesture like Bob's. A simple gesture that is so difficult to accomplish in our culture.

Suddenly, I felt I missed my parents alot.

"So how did your mum react? She must be really touched! Did she cry?" I asked.

Bob said sheepishly," No lah, she scolded me for giving her goose pimples!"

Mooncake Diagnostic Criteria

Mooncake (original)










Mooncake (with different shapes and colours)





Mooncake (snowskin, sibei highclass)











?????Mooncake?????

Og's Mooncake Diagnostic Criteria

A. Characteristic Features: Two (or more) of the following,

1. Round (can be circular or oval, even eliptical, as long as curved).
2. Fillings are made of lotus seed, tao sa (red bean paste) or black bean paste.
   
3. Skin is baked into dark brown crust or made of bing pee snow skin.
4. Palm-sized.
5. Contain yellow egg yolk.

Note: Only one Criterion A feature is required if you find a note telling you to prepare for a rebellion against the Mongolians or if there is 4 egg yolks in the mooncake! What else in the world has 4 egg yolks, DOH!

B. Unhealthy Index: A real mooncake will be severely filling after one and cause you indigestion if you take one too many. It is extremely high in calories, do not take with energy drinks or you may spontaneuosly combust.

C. Exclusion criteria: Mooncakes made up of ice-cream are not mooncakes, they are ice-cream. Those made up of cheese, green tea or chocolate are also excluded. (they are just cake, can?) Those made of wasabi are just plain disgusting.

################

Please lah! Can respect culture abit or not?? Everything also call mooncake then I let your children play with this lantern you want?

INTERVIEW WITH A DOCTOR (to be) – FIRST PART

I come from a time when pre-university students have to go through this interview in order to enter the faculty. First, one would receive this letter saying that he or she is short-listed for the interview. I believe many would start calling their friends and ask whether they receive the same letter…

(Lai Ka Lan who received the letter called Lim Nia Hia)
Lai Ka Lan says: “Eh… I got the letter for the medicine interview today! How about you?”
Lai Ka Lan thinks: “Wah lau… he better not get it man. Less competition…”

Lim Nia Hia says: “Congrats! I actually got it too!”
Lim Nia Hia thinks: “Shit. How can someone like him be short listed. More competition now…”

Lai Ka Lan says: “Great! See you there then!”
Lai Ka Lan thinks: “Sian one half liao…”

Soon, the day comes. People preparing for the interview generally start thinking about things… perhaps this is what goes on in their heads.

Hok Kien Ping: “…Chao Ch** By*…. Still having field camp on an offshore island the day before the interview…. How to get ready?” [Males tend to pick up certain languages in Army]
[Hok Kien Ping did not make it past the interview]

Chao Maa Ger: “[for the 1000th time]…the reason I want to be a doctor is because I always wanted to save lives… Personally I feel that as a doctor, I can……”
[Chao Maa Ger was on the Dean’s list every year in medical school. He is currently a registrar in one of the internal medicine department. His friends are all still medical officers. Till this day, he still does not have a life.]

Ma Mee Boy: “…I want to do theatre studies… that’s my dream… but since mum and dad wants me to be a doctor….”
[ Ma Mee Boy grew up to be a repressed person, often unconsciously venting his frustrations on the patients…]

Wo Mei Ma: “…hmm..what should I wear to the interview? Does this skirt go with the pink blouse?”
[Wo Mei Ma ended up as a gynaecologist, toting her LV bag as she does her rounds in the hospital…]

Da Ser Lang: “…(rubbing his hands in glee)…I always love girls with brains and looks…”
[Da Ser Lang came for the interview but left when he saw the girls sitting outside the interview rooms]

You Ai Xin: “….”
[You Ai Xin did not have much time to think about the interview. She was busy doing volunteer work in one of the developing countries. She passed the interview and completed her MBBS degree. She takes time off to provide free medical services in those same developing countries]
Shen Jing Bing: "....because the voices told me to....because the voices told me to...because the voices told me to..."
[Shen Jing Bing is now working in a mental hospital]

B L Og: “…Arts? OUT. Engineering? NO. Law? NOPE. Science? NAH. Medicine? Can consider lah. What else is there to do? Sian… got stupid interview. Just go there and talk lor…”[Dr. BL Og went through medical school and is currently working in State General. During his free time, he blogs.]

*Hint: Just wear to the interview what you would wear to a funeral...

More to come...

Beggers ARE INDEED Choosers

Since so many female readers actually expressed their keen interests in Single and Available Doctors (SAD). I thought I might as well do some good and play the matchmaker. First, I surveyed the grounds.

I asked 10 SAD male doctors ranging from the age of 27-51 what characteristics they look for in a wife.

Doctor Hum Sup: Hmmmm, definitely not anything less than C cup. I like to grope.

Shortest Man in Medicine: Exactly, exactly...... Also cannot be taller than me. A pride thing.

Doctor Rons: True Love.

Doctor from Dean's List: Should be a professional in one way or the other. Preferably, someone who excels in her work, like myself.

Plastic Specialist arrogantly: Looks are not all that important, after all we can change it!

The doctors echoed in unison: Yes.... yes.....

Doctor in his fifties: In my younger days, being virgo intacta was important.

Again the doctors echoed in unison: Yes..... yes.....

Doctor Rons: True Love.

The other 4 doctors were too tired from their night calls to care about falling in love.

*******************

From the descriptions provide by these 10 doctors, I searched high and low and found a perfect match:

Short and ugly enough to need plastics. Looks like enough to pass for C cup. Prolly still a virgin since no man will want to bed her!

Source of picture

Totally fits their bill. And as for true love, Dr Rons, I know you truly truly love Ru Hua!

Don't be so choosy, CAN?

A Long Time Ago, in a hospital far, far away...Part One

I went to this country as part of an exchange program a long time ago…

Some of the things that impressed upon me was

1. How old the hospital was and they are still using it
2. How many patients they manage to cramp into the ward
3. How patients require a family member to go to a nearby pharmacy to buy the drugs the doctors ordered in the morning. The only thing the hospital could dispense was some vitamin. If the patient had no family members to go buy for him, well…. the doctor can order the drug, but the patient will never get it
4. How nurses cook lunch for the staff in the ward. Lunchtime was spent in the hospital pantry eating some noodle-like thing a nurse cooked.
5. How I saw the biggest/longest “male member” in a man who came (forgive the pun) for an elective hernia operation. Must be using a lot of effort holding the weight up, but that is another story for another day
6. How a guy with a knife in his back came into the A&E
7. How the grand ward round/teaching round was conducted…

(I am going to use the local, equivalent term to describe what happened)
Medical students
- Follows the round
- Examine patients
- Copying the pearls of wisdom that comes from the mouth of the consultant/senior consultant/professor
- * Asking foreigners like me how my Monkey Republic is. More preoccupied with passing exams rather than whether Monkey Republic is a good place to work.
House Officer
- Follows the round
- Take notes
- Sometimes carrying drinks e.g. tea or coffee for the consultants. NOT packet drinks. They actually hold a tray with tea and coffee on it!
- *Asks foreigners like me what the pay is like and whether he can come work in Monkey Republic.
o I was trying to be as discouraging as possible in a subtle way because he did not look very stable, as though he was high on drugs. I have seen drug addicts who look/are clearer headed that this guy was.
Medical Officer/Registrar
- Follows the round
- Sometimes help the houseman take notes
- Sometimes use a fan (the manual, paper one, not an electric fan!) to cool the consultant/professor
- Sometimes carry drinks e.g. tea or coffee for the senior consultants/professors
- *Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they too want to apply for some position in good ol’ Monkey Republic. Probably they are unaware that when they come here, many end up as medical officers and will need to do many night calls.
Consultant
- Follows the round
- Occasionally drops pearls of wisdom from the mouth
- Engages in friendly talk with foreigners like myself
- Sometimes examine the patient
- *Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they too want to apply for some position in good ol’ Monkey Republic. Probably they are unaware that when they come here, many end up as registrars and will need to do calls.

Senior Consultant/Professors
- Would be the one who get served drinks and fanning the most
- Occasionally drops pearls of wisdom from the mouth
- Rarely examines the patient
- Engages in friendly talk with foreigners like myself
- Asks about Monkey Republic. I think they have accepted the fact that they are not going to come to Monkey Republic. Treated as “national talent”, placed as the head of their department… don’t really need to come to Monkey Republic. Cannot even if they wanted to. Probably want to send their kids to Monkey Republic though.
Nurses
- Actually see them leading the round
- Fans, serves drinks, dry the perspiration off the faces of the senior consultants/professors
- Certainly, the higher the rank, the nearer she gets to the senior consultant/professors
Some of the consultants are brilliant doctors. They also have impeccable bedside manners. Patients love and respect them. Rare in developed countries nowadays. Both the doctors and the patients. They are brilliant teachers too. In fact, many of them possess clinical acumens that you don’t see very much of these days. They don’t have CT scan machines readily available. No MRI machines. No fanciful equipments. It’s really look, listen, feel, move…

你 還 記 得 我 嗎 ﹖

In the wake of recent earth shaking events in the blogsphere, bloggers are now tiptoeing on what to blog about. I reckoned the safest blogs will be those girlie ones which focuses on meaningless BGR.

Dr BL Og shamelessly copycat:

她 是 我 同 班 同 學 ﹐也 是 公 認 的 校 花 。長 得 不 怎 樣 的 我 根 本 靠 不 到 她 的 身 邊 。而 她 對 我 說 的 第 一 句 話 便 是 ﹕“你 長 得 真 象 青 蛙 。 。 。 。”

我 們 在 這 種 沒 有 關 系 的 情 況 下 過 了 半 年 。 遇 見 時 也 只 是 打 打 招 呼 而 已 。

有 一 天 ﹐ 覺 得 無 聊 ﹐ 決 定 翹 課 。 到 商 場 閑 逛 的 時 候 竟 然 遇 見 她 ﹗ 我 們 彼 此 望 着 對 方﹐ 笑 了 起 來 。 原 來 她 也 受 不 了 那 悶 死 人 的 物 理 老 師 。 就 這 樣 ﹐ 我 們 在 咖 啡 廳 聊 了 一個 下 午 ﹐ 她 對 我 的 印 象 也 應 此 大 有 改 進 ﹗

雖 然 關 係 好 了 ﹐ 我 也 只 是 在 她 身 邊 的 其 中 一 只 蒼 蠅 。但 我 並 不 象 那 些 死 皮 賴 臉 的 無 恥 之 輩 。 我 好 歹 也 出 自 名 校 ﹐ 怎 麼 可 以 為 了 追 求 一 個 女 孩 而 做 出 一 些 有 辱 校 風 的 事 ﹗ 我 唯 有 默 默 的 徘 徊 在 她 的 身 邊 。

我 看 着 她 愛 上 籃 球 隊 的 隊 長 。 我 看 着 她 失 戀 。 我 看 着 她 又 愛 上 學 生 會 的 會 長 。我 又 看 着 她 失 戀 。 後 來 她 好 象 累 了 ﹐ 她 哭 着 說 不 想 再 談 戀 愛 。為 了 安 慰 她 ﹐ 我 和 她 一 起 翹 課 ﹐ 到 海 邊 散 步 。為 了 逗 她 開 心 ﹐ 我 不 惜 花 時 間 為 她 折 千 紙 鶴 。

那 年 華 人 農 歷 初 三 ﹐ 她 突 然 打 了 個 電 話 ﹐ 要 我 和 她 單 獨 到“春 到 合 畔 ”。 很 巧 ﹐ 我 的 死 黨 S 也 想 找 我 出 去 逛 逛。 我 竟 然 傻 得 叫 他 一 起 去 ﹗ 現 在 回 想 起 ﹐ 也 真 不 知 道 自 己 當 時 在 做 些 什 麼 ﹗

不 用 說 ﹐ S 和 她 一 拍 即 合 ﹗ 畢 竟 S 當 時 是 個 小 混 混﹐ 他 還 擁 有 自 己 的 一 輛 摩 托 車 。 比 起 我 這 個 不 起 眼 的 “ 青 蛙 ”﹐ 真 的 酷 多 了 ﹗ 我 也 只 能 怪 自 己 白 白 的 丟 了 一 個 大 好 的 機 會 。 。 。 。 。

S 不 到 一 個 星 期 就 已 經 對 我 說 ﹕“ 我 想 我 是 愛 上 她 了 ﹗ ” S 每 天 騎 着 他 的 摩 托 車 來 接 她 放 學 。 她 也 從 來 沒 拒 絕 過 S 。

我 決 定 不 再 對 她 存 有 任 何 幻 想 。 漸 漸 地 ﹐ 我 刻 意 疏 遠 了 她 。 我 不 再 和 她 一 起 搭 公 車 。 我 不 再 和 她 一 起 到 餐 廳 吃 飯 。 我 無 時 無 刻 都 在 逃 避 她 的 眼 神 。我 的 成 勣 這 時 候 已 經 一 落 千 丈 ﹐ 我 不 能 在 墮 落 下 去 。我 必 須 全 神 投 入 在 功 課 之 中 。

很 奇 怪 ﹐ 後 來 S 跟 本 沒 追 到 她 。也 許 應 為 S 只 是 個 中 學 畢 業 生 吧 。

考 完 試 後 ﹐ 我 開 始 了 國 民 服 役 的 生 涯 。 聽 說 她 要 到 國 外 流 學 。 臨 走 前 ﹐ 她 寫 了 封 信 給 我 。 最 後 一 句 話 是 ﹕ “ 我 不 知 道 你 為 何 避 開 我 ﹐ 也 許 你 只 當 我 是 小 丑 ﹐ 我 卻 當 你 是 我 最 好 的 朋 友 ﹐ 也 請 你 不 要 回 應 這 封 信 。”

就 這 樣 ﹐ 我 們 斷 交 了 。 。 。 。 。 。

再 與 她 偶 遇 竟 然 是 在 八 年 後 的 一 個 深 夜 。 我 們 都 在 職 班 。 她 是 麻 醉 師 而 我 為 病 人 動 小 手 術 。 她 對 我 說 的 唯 一 一 句 話 ﹕ “ 可 以 開 始 了 。” 我 默 默 的 點 頭 。

其 實 我 很 想 問 她 ﹕ “ 你 還 記 得 我 嗎 ﹖....... 你 快 樂 吧 ﹖ ”

Que Sera, Sera

Along the way, there were a couple of questions on what Dr Og would have been if he didn't become a doctor. Honestly, ever so often when I get burnt out, I ask myself the same question.

As someone without much ambition to begin with, I would have liked to do something like teach piano at home..... though I have to learn how to play the piano first. Or maybe becoming a full time tuition teacher would have been great! But I would prolly just end up playing Xbox with my students the whole day.....

I remember when I was in Primary school, we were often asked to write the obligatory essay on "What I Want To Be When I Grow Up" or "My Ambition" or something to that extend. You know the drill. While other kids would write about becoming astronauts, lawyers, doctors (haha stupid kids), the ever so honest me once answered the question this way:

" I will like to be a videoshop owner and do nothing but watch video and sleep."

Of course I did not mention that my dream videoshop will have a secret compartment for you know what. hehe.



Or that I will get a FT to man the shop while I go snozzZZZZZe!


I had it all planned!

Nevertheless, my essay pissed the 40-year-old-virgin-teacher off. She reprimanded me in front of the class for my lack of ambition though I seriously suspect that she was angry only because my 16 worded essay was too short. (Dammit, should have included the part about the secret compartment.) This childhood trauma of mine ultimately resulted in an unconscious desire for me to prove her wrong. Thus I ended up a doctor. I will never forgive her!

Anyway with all the piracy these days, the video rental industry prolly isn't thriving like before. Dr Og will have to think of other alternatives should I decide not to practice medicine anymore.

I will really like to be a Char Kway Teow hawker. My affinity with lard runs deep, its in my blood (as shown by my recent cholesterol blood test). Char Kway Teow without lard is really like a man who cannot stand (without viagra)!


If I ever become a hawker, rest assured the kway teow I char will be dripping with fats. And the more hum the merrier! Come to think of it, I really regretted doing my electives in Dermatology during my 4th year in Med School. Should've spent the time learning this great art from the store in Outram.

Like any little boy, there was a time I hated girls and swore to be a monk when I grow up after watching Jet Lee's Shaolin temple. That was of course before I discovered the secret compartment of an unethical videoshop. But these days it isn't easy being a monk either! You may have to immerse yourself in icy cold water or even repel down a building...... all in the name of charity.

Dr Og is too chicken hearted to ever try this!

Beggers ARE Choosers

As doctors, not only do we treat illnesses, very often we have to attend to the social needs of our patients. As with everything in medical science, we gave it a name and called it holistic care.

Doc: Mr Tan, so how are you.

Patient: Ok loh, this new medicine very expensive leh.

Doc: You need this medicine, all the old ones didn't work for you. So how? Found a job?

Patient: The one the social worker recommend no good lah.

Doc: Why?

Patient: Wah lau, ask me to be cleaner. So smelly and dirty.

Doc: How about security guard, I know they got lots of openings.

Patient: Wah lau, lagi jialat, 12 hrs shift wor! How to tahan.

Doc: What do you want to do then?

Patient: Mebbe something got aircon like office work that kind and pay must be more than $2000. But I don't know computer leh.

Doc: Are you getting any financial aid from CDC?

Patient: $400 dollars lah. My brothers also gimme some money loh.

Doc: So enough?

Patient: Wah lau, nowadays where got enough? Go Geylang one time all finish liao! Wah lau why now medicine all so expensive? Can cheaper or not?

Doc: Your medicine is more expensive because it is new. The prices are set by MOH.....

Patient: But you doctor mah, why you never go ask gahmen to make it cheaper??? Its your responsibility!

Dear gahmen, my patient wants me to tell you (apparently my responsibility to do so) that he cannot afford his medications because he spent all his financial aid in Geylang probably for the purpose of hookers, booze and of course smoking.

Thank you!

Diary of A Small Doctor

"What??!!!" The Senior Consultant shouted and in that moment of anger he waved his hands wildly. He may have forgotten he had a cup of hot coffee in his hand. My poor clinical group (CG) mate had jumped out of the way but still got his lab coat stained with hot coffee. At least he wasn't burnt.

Why was he so angry? All we did was to give a wrong answer. Now we know that the most common cause of liver cirrhosis in the local population is Hep B and not alcoholism. I am sure the whole CG will remember that for life.

" Wah, your lab coat like that how to see case?" I asked my friend. He wasn't keen at all to go home.

He told me, "No big deal....."

Yup. Its really no big deal. This was the first time coffee was poured (not delibrately) on us but we get scolded almost everyday. I remember my very first day in clinical posting as a third year medical student. The tutor said blatantly to the whole group of us, "You all don't look like you can make it. Why don't you transfer to Science."

Thanks, after two years of intensive theoretical studies, they tell us we are not doctor material.

Soon we realise that the hospital is just one big hostile mine field. You offend the nurses by taking the casenotes when they are passing report, they complain to your clinical teacher. You cannot use the photocopying machine in the office or they complain to your clinical teacher. You do nothing so as to not offend anyone, your clinical teacher complains to the dean.

You beg for the chance to examine the gravid abdomen, you plead for the chance to PR an enlarged prostate and you go down on your knees for a chance to clerk a case of Wilson's disease which despite its rarity is a favourite exam case.

But think about it. Maybe, just maybe, all these humbling experiences instilled some humility into would be doctors whose ego would otherwise be unmanageable. As students we were constantly at the mercies of the nurses, administrative staff, doctors and clinical teachers. As doctors we are at the mercies of illnesses, disorders and uncurable diseases. We learn that we are not TUA LOKUN......

...... but xiao yi shen.

____________________

Dear Australian Med Student, I hope the above can answer some of your questions with regards to why local HOs tend to adjust better to their new identity than Australian grads that come back. We are trained here and we know the idiosyncracies of the system. Whether you like it or not, local grads do show more respect to their seniors. On the other hand, they may sometimes present with less confidence. But what we want in HOs is not to yaya think he knows everything and treat wrongly but to look to senior drs for advice and guidance.

写华文

周末，我去喝酒。

过后去喝咖啡。刚喝了酒， 还不能那么快开车。

可以和朋友谈天，叙叙旧，开玩笑，把工作上的烦恼都放在一旁。

这两天不必做夜班， 还真爽。=P

好久没有写华文字了。

和病人还有他们的家属说话， 只需要讲华语， 跟本不必写。

还记得最后一次用华文是为一个五六十岁的老婆婆。

她的儿子患上精神分裂症。她丈夫两个月前中风，现在说话也有问题。

以前还有老公来为孩子拿药，现在， 这责任全部都在她身上。

她看不懂英文，从小就受一点点华文教育。她本来也没有必要懂英文。

她把孩子，丈夫和自己的药都带来。

她说她看不懂药包装上的指示，希望我能帮她。

我拿起我的笔， 脑子想把老师多年前所教过的都记起来。（要记得，已经好久好久没写了。。。）

“。。。声音的。。。早上和晚上。。。一次两粒。。。”

“。。。睡觉的。。。不会睡才吃。。。一次一粒。。。”

“。。。咳嗽的。。。一天三次。。。一次一汤匙。。。不咳就不必喝。。。”

“。。。。。。”

“aunty。。。我不会写，用汉语拼音可以吗？。。。”

她微笑着点头。

离开之前， 她说“。。。医生，你的华文还ok吗。。。再见。。。”

我也微笑了。

看着我的病人显示表，我 对自己说“好吧…another 18 more patients to go…”

The Waiting Game II

Thank you all for the lively debate (quarrel rather) for my previous post. I declare the winner to be Australia. Seems like doctors are fed up with patients and the public even more so with doctors. And everyone thinks that immigrating to Australia is a solution to their grievances.

Until then, you chaps will still be stuck here (too bad) and the long queue in most clinics will not be improving anytime soon. So let Dr Og tell you ten things you must bring along for your next appointment to beat the waiting game!

1) Handphones are a requisite! Other than making calls to tell your boyfriend you will be late (again), girls can call their jie mei and gossip about the latest BGR in the office. You can also use it to knock the head of the chee ko pek who tries to sit too close to you. Most importantly, pretend to be calling the hosptial complaint unit in front of the counter so that they will put you to the front of the queue!

2) MP3 player. Some stupid people will forget to switch off their hp when they pretend to complain and the phone starts ringing from an incoming call! If that happens, you will automatically be thrown to the back of the queue! This is when your MP3 player comes in handy. What better to do than to listen to podcast? (Dr BL Og's podcast of Hokkien Kwa akan datang!) The Ipod is a perfect match for the hospital environment with its white sanitary look.

3) You must bring your favourite tidbits so that you have something to bite as you wait. Melon seeds and peanuts are highly recommended. You can scatter the shells all over the floor and make a mess in revenge for the long wait!!!!

4) Better also prepare some chrysanthemum tea or not wait eat too much nuts very HEATY! (Also please rinse your mouth before you see your doctor. Bad breathe is just not a good way to build rapport.)

5) Mr Bean's mask. Better to wear a mask before you pop your head into the doctor's consultation room to see what the hell he is doing taking so long. Like that he won't recognize you and be nasty later! You might just want to hide your face especially if its the Kelantan Clinic you are waiting at. (Mr Bean's mask is available for SIN$99.95, email me!)

6) Paper. Might as well note down whatever you want to tell the doctor so that you won't miss a thing during the one minute consultation!! Just shove it into his face and he will have to do your bidding!!!! You can also fold paper aeroplanes if you are really really bored (and Dr Og's out of tune podcast hokkien kua does not interest you!).

7) Pen. What do you want to write on the paper with??? Anyway sometimes you might need to sign certain documents and you sure don't want to use the doctor's pen. Who knows where he last poke his fingers????

8) Prepare some coins so as to buy more tidbits and drinks at the vending machine when you run out of your own supply! Coins are also good for tossing: heads means my turn next, tails means I gotta wait longer!

9) Did you know that some hospitals are WAP ready??? Now you can bring your laptop and serve the internet as you wait! Research on your own illness and beat the doctors in their own game!!!!!! (You can also keep refreshing sgdr.blogspot.com!)

10) Bring a mirror. Some of the patients look like ghosts after the long wait (no fault of theirs). Please brush off the cobwebs on your hair before you leave the clinic and go take bus.

You don't want to scare little school children do you????

The Waiting Game

Tan (name changed to protect his identity) was a chow recruit but today he was damn happy he can book out of camp. He had an appointment with the bone doctor in the morning and maybe he might still have a bit of time to meet his girlfriend before going back to camp in the afternoon.

Recruit Tan's appointment was at 9am, he decided to arrive early just to make sure he got seen on time. The clinic started registration at 8:50am and there was already a lot of aunties and uncles forcing their way into the front of the queue. When he finally recieved his queue number, it was "Room 10, 1030".

"What! Isn't the appointment at 9???" But he thought to himself maybe the number was not reflective of the appointment time. He knew he was wrong when the first number that flashed on the board was "0900". Still he kept quiet.

It was 10:40am on Recruit Tan's casio watch and he was not called in yet. The anticipation was killing him as he fidgetted in his seat. "What the hell, tell me to come at 9 am then until now still not seen!" The number flashed again "1025". "Ok, Ok next me liao!" But when "1025" came out, the number flashed "1040". Now Recruit Tan really became very kan cheong!

"Maybe they forgot me?" "Maybe I wasn't properly registered?" "Maybe they made a mistake??"

He went up to the counter to ask, was given a cold hard stare that said "Can't you see we are already very busy!" and asked to wait some more.

The numbers jumped up and down a few more times before Recruit Tan was seen at 11:30am. The doctor simply took a look at his Xray, gave him three months excuse running and told him to go get his painkillers from the pharmacy. He came out of the consultation room at 11:33am.

All the Hokkien expletives Recruit Tan ever learnt (from his father) was going through his head as he walked to the pharmacy. "Why the Hell they make me come so early and wait almost 3 hours!" Now he got no time to go see girlfriend. Hell, he didn't even have time to eat lunch as his CSM only gave him the morning off. He approached the pharmacist with his prescription and was told,

"Please take a queue number and wait for your number to be called."

------------------------------------------

If you haven't guess by now, I was the chow recruit Tan (name changed to protect MY identity). I had also experienced first hand the long and often ridiculous wait be it at GP, polyclinic or specialist clinics. As with the comments contributed in earlier posts, the factors leading to long waiting time can be attributed to 3 main areas: patients, doctors and admin.

Patients

1. If you come too early, you just wait longer.

Singaporeans are just kiasu. Everything also must be faster than other people. So if they have appointment at 10am, they will come at 9am hopping to be seen earlier. When they realise that they still have to wait, they will give excuses like they have to rush to work or have to fetch children from school in a hope to cut queue. But when everyone has the same excuse, who should we help???

2. Come late cannot wait, don't come don't say

Many patients come late since they have to wait anyway. When they do arrive, they want to be seen before those who come on time since their appointment time is already over. This simply jams up the queue and everyone ends up waiting longer. Worse still, those who default, do not cancel their appointments to free up the slots.

3. The Clinic Disruptor

These are people who have endless requests and goes in and out of the consultation room disregarding the fact that other patients exist. After they have been given their prescription, they leave the room only to come back for a memo and then comes back in again to ask for 2 more days MC. These people not only interrupt the consultation process but also compromise other patient's privacy with their behaviour. And YES! Head popping is also very irritating and disrupting!

Doctors

1. Bao Sua Bao Hai (Cover Moutain Cover Sea)

There is simply too little doctors to go around sometimes. The doctor gotta go for ward rounds in the morning and rush to clinics by 9am. If the round is long with too many patients, it can drag up to 12noon even. So the doctor goes to the morning clinics late, end the morning clinics late and starts the afternoon clinics late. Halfway, he may also have to attend to emergencies in the wards that HOs are unable to handle.

2. Just Late

Of course there are also doctors who goes to clinic late for no excusable reason.

3. Over Specialisation

The doctor in room 1 only sees leg problem, the doctor in room 2 only sees hand problem, the doctor in room 3 only sees finger problem. You see the problem? Suppose we have 10 patients and they can be distributed evenly over the 3 doctors, waiting time will be shorter than if all the patients have leg problems and can only specifically see room 1 while room 2 and 3 shake (their own) leg.

Admin

The REAL problem

Patients are not to be blamed. Most (like Recruit Tan) wait quietly for the doctors. We must really really thank them for their patience!

Doctors are not to be blamed. We don't like to chiong until like tat can? We also want to eat lunch in peace and not with palpitations, end the clinic early and go home early.

So where is the real problem?

The people who plan and run the clinics are not those who practice clinically there. They look only at statistics. Since on average, 30% of patients do not turn up for appointments, we can overbook the clinic by 30%. Yipee, problems all solved. But that is on average! If one day suay suay all turn up??? Then the clinics is running at 130% load. Who suffers?

Do they factor in pee breaks for doctors? Do they factor in patients who have impairment taking more time to come in and out of the room?

Yes, we can see patients in that 5 minute (or less) time frame. Only because we have no choice. Only because we are made to do so!

Floating Bodies?

One day, during my attachment to the Accident and Emergency Dept, the medical officer whom I was shadowing was asked to see a case of "floater".

I excitedly asked, "wah floater, isit like those body float on Monkey River har?"

My MO gave me a knock in the head. "Floaters are those black specks you see floating in your eyes lah, you goondu!"

Chey, I thought what.

Floaters are actually tiny clumps of gel or cells inside the vitreous, the clear jelly-like fluid that fills the inside of your eye. They cast a shadow on the retina and are hence percieved as black objects FLOATING around. They are generally harmless and we do not usually notice them. Sometimes a kan cheong aunty having a lot of stress lately will turn up at the doctor's when they suddenly notice these black floating stuff.

Aunty: lokun ar, die liao! I see some dark dark thing float pass me wor! Mebbe is a ghost!
Lokun: I refer you to the temple medium, actually just next block only.

No huh, no huh! As floaters can sometimes be a symptom of a more serious eye problem, we always ask the ophthalmologist to take a look.

On a more serious note, Dengue Fever has reached an epidemic level in Singapore! To quote our favourite national paper "Public hospital are postponing non-urgent operations because their wards are clogged with dengue patients." Wah the last time such a thing happened was during SARS!

Eh, but what does floaters have to do with dengue fever huh? Let you in on a little secret! Dr Og used to be an expert in killing those bloody (literally, not swearing here) irritating mosquitoes. I dare say I am better than karate kid with his lousy pair of chopsticks!

But sadly, as Dr Og now old liao, those bloody (now I'm swearing) irritating floaters are getting more and more and have seriously impaired my ability to kill those pesty flying vampires. Imagine, moquitoe black black, fly pass you. Then the floaters also black black float pass you. Arrghhh! Cannot tell the difference!

Despite all these, Dr Og swears (again) by his honour to continue his unrelenting battle against the evil Aedes mosquitoes by switching on the aircon and shutting all the windows tight tight!

Floaters! NOT mosquitoes!!

Trackback : Dengue Alert!

Q&A

Some questions were directed at myself and some angry doctor….

Don't you have friends who say funny things?

Definitely, I have friends who say funny things. But many times when you write them down, they lose their humour. Patients tell me funny things too. And sometimes, funny patients tell me things.

Taxi drivers who give way to you along ECP?

If I am inside an ambulance, the taxi driver would usually give way to me. Apart from that, no. There was once I passed by a taxi with a badly dented front bumper on the road shoulder though. (This counts?) The taxi driver was rather animated, gesturing when shouting at this other man whose wrecked car was in front of the taxi.

The tree in your garden which looks like Bart Simpson?

Dr. BL Og don’t have a garden. I do have a toilet brush that looks like Bart Simpson.

The girl who looks damn good but spits shopping lists?

Well, I do know this girl who looks damn good but she spits. Told me she don’t like to swallow.

The topless SLK you ordered during clinic?

Dr. BL Og did not order a topless SLK. Wanted to get a Corolla instead. More space. Maybe for the girl who looks damn good.

Don't you go to Ngee Ann City to see lion dance competitions?

Was having coffee at coffee club at Taka. In a way I saw the lion dance competition from above. And btw, the lion dancers were burning incense paper along Orchard Road. Some #$@% idiot was standing on the road while doing that…almost hit him in my Corolla.

There has got to be something else?!!!

Read the blog I guess. =)

Ignorance Is Bliss?

A recent post by Blinkymummy sparked an entire debate over whether Hepatitis B is a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). Hep B is prevalent in Asian countries like Taiwan and Hongkong where the main mode of transmission is prolly perinataly from mother to child. So to call Hep B a STD in a place where the bulk of carriers never acquired it through sex and where a whole family might be carriers is actually rather distasteful.

But that does not detract us from the fact that it is still a STD. To the medically trained it is as simple as this, Hep B can be a STD not that it is necessarily sexually transmitted. We have no intention to discriminate against anyone with Hep B. The poor doctor who tried to defend this stand got hammered rather mercilessly (read this).

But can we really blame them for their misconception?

Just last Saturday, I was having breakfast with my mother and wife.......

BL: Wah lau, Ma,weather so hot, I want kopi peng, why you get me hot coffee????
Ma: Wah lau, drink kopi peng wait you get tnee jeo (diabetes)
BL: tell you so many times already diabetes is not caused by kopi peng lah! speaking which, are you taking your high blood pressure meds? You know ah, diabetes, obesity and hypertension makes up the metabolic syndrome and is associated with increase in cardiac event........

Wife and mother totally ignoring me, gossiping amongst themselves.

Mother: Daughter in law ah, you must remember hor, when in confinement, cannot bath har! Otherwise will get hong sip (rheumatism)!
BL interrupts: wah lau, Ma, you know or not one. Rheumatism is due to problems with the body's immune system resulting in the immune system attacking its own body......
Mother: Ah boy! Don't be silly, hong sip is caused by water entering the bones!

Mother and wife laughs at me heartily.

Tell me how I can blame others for not understanding when I cannot convince my own mother kopi peng does not cause diabetes???

Another time, I was trying to convince an ah pek to take his meds.

Ah pek: Limpeh trained in martial arts, body good and strong! Why should I take medcine ar?
BL: Uncle you see ar, this chemical affect this receptor resulting in this effect. So good for your body lah.
Ah pek: Li kong simi? (what talking you?) I just abit heaty mah!
BL: Ok uncle, let me explain to you slowly.

After 1/2 hour,

Ah pek: Lokun, limpeh trained in martial arts, body good and strong, just a bit heaty, why must take this medcine?
BL give up liao: yah yah, uncle this medcine is VERY LIANG (cooling) and VERY GOOD TONIC for old people!
Ah pek: Aiyah say so earlier lah!

Where The Fingers Do The Talking

Recent research (Og et al 2006) showed that blogging has been linked to an expanding abdominal girth! Time to do some REAL exercises!

The most common comment I recieved is:

Doc, you so free meh?

Wah lau! I am not so free ok. Other than ward rounds, clinics, writing reports and preparing for presentations, I also have to do the laundry, vacuum my carpets, wash my car and eat/shit/sleep. So really! I am not so free, can?

I think the idea that I am very free comes from the reader's observation that I have been writing a lot of nonsense on the blog. I am a little surprise at how much I have written though some of them were really churned out by the million crazy monkeys of mine. But gimme a minute to explain here.

The Motivation
What really motivated me to blog? To be honest, I was looking for something to do with my broadband (which still has like one year contract) after the gahmen came down so hard on downloading and scared me shitless. I mean what else is there to do online? I don't need to xian Char bor over friendster and osteoathritis of my fingers is really preventing me from gettin any frags in Counterstrike.

A Hobby?
Not like blogging is a hobby or something. But I'm too old to go Zouk and too poor to go Lido Palace. So what to do on those Saturday nights if I'm not on call????? Orchard road is just too crowded and the weather is so alamak hot!

The Time Factor
But how do I find the time to write so much nonsense? Obviously my incessant rantings have irritated quite a few people. My wife will rather I kpkb on the blog then unload all my complains on her. hahahaha.

If you can understand, blogging is not like Primary school where your teacher give you a topic and you die die have to write about it. I write about things that I think about, feel for and see around me. So strictly speaking, I blog all the time. As long as I feel, think and see, I am blogging (in my head). The action of having to physically type these down takes merely minutes to at most an hour. Incidentally, my mind is the clearest when I defecate and hence all those posts about anus and shit.

So I hope I have clarified about my excessive verbal diarrhoea but sorry hor, more is to come......:P

"HO! Please glove up!"

One day, during my surgical rotation, I was paged by my HO to see a case of bleeding piles. When I got to the ward, I saw my registrar coming out of the cubicle which was curtained up. She must have been examining the patient with my HO.

"BL, haven't examine the patient yet, you take over, buay tahan!" She said and left in a huff. Hmmm, maybe the newbie HO did something wrong again.

I was proven to be wrong when the HO came from behind the curtain sniggering away. Strange..... I asked her what happened.

"You see yourself loh, but don't laugh ah!" She said.

Puzzled, I pushed the curtains aside and stepped in with the HO. There laying on the bed
was a young man in his early twenties. He was hugging a teddy bear. Chey, the HO like that also find funny meh? I myself was a great fan of teddy bears just that in our society if a guy collected this kind of thing, sure kenna ridicued!

I then politely asked the young man to take off his pants while I put on my gloves and squeezed some KY jelly (lubricant) onto my (gloved) fingers. The KY jelly in the hospital always look so yellowish, maybe keep too long. All ready, I turned to look at the guy's perineal area (the ass lah) and had the shock of my life!!

He was actually wearing a sanitary pad! What the @#$#%~!

I took a look at my HO who on seeing my reaction was obviously trying not to laugh. The gay guy sheepishly told me "I was bleeding so I thought better wear a pad (giggles)"

Being the professional doctor that I was, I removed his pad (with wings) despite feeling extremely nauseated. There were some blood stains on the pad but at a lower position that it usually would be. Closer examination did not reveal any prolapsed piles and I will need to insert my fingers.

My nausea became worse at this point as thoughts raced through my head. What if he actually enjoyed my fingers the examination? Yeeooooow!!!

Since shit always gravitate downwards, I said,

"HO! Please glove up!"

The Holiday Season

It is the September school holidays and Mr Tan was all ready to set off for a short vacation to Hong Kong with his family. He had promised to bring his son to the new Disneyland.There was however just one little problem before they board the late afternoon flight to the pearl of the east. He had to dispose of his wheelchair bound mother.

"Damn that Ah Heng!" He cursed his younger brother under his breathe. Ah Heng was to have taken in the old lady but he called last night to tell Mr Tan that he was on his way to K.L

"You know lah, my wife complain hardly see her parents. So school holidays, I can bring the children all over. No so lucky like you ok, stay with mother!" His younger brother told him.

With that, Ah Heng was out of the question. Mr Tan tried calling his younger sister but she was busy with her sick father-in-law. "Some more there will be no place to sleep for mother! You think my place like your condo? I stay 4 room flat can?!"

He could have kept her home with the maid but his wife already has her hand full with the two older boys. They needed the maid to look after the youngest of the three, a two and a half year old toddler. "I don't care, the maid must come along. You try feeding the little one and see!" His wife had screamed at him earlier on. Indeed, only the maid can make that rascal eat.

So once again, Mr Tan had to resort to that last trick up his sleeves. He drove his mother in his MPV to Accident and Emergency. On the way there he was rehearsing his excuses, fabricating symptoms with his limited medical knowledge. Well, they were not really excuses. "Mother really had been coughing for the past two weeks. What if it was pneumonia or something? Better play safe, send to hospital. No harm getting another check up by the doctors..... "

They had arrived at the A and E at about 1pm. Mr Tan was getting increasingly anxious with the long queue. He had to go back home, pick up his wife and kids and rush to the airport. He took a peek at his mother who had been quiet all this while. She hasn't been talking much after the stroke which left her wheelchair bound. Flashes of memories of his mother bringing him and his siblings to Tao Payoh park appeared in his mind. Those days she was a big strong woman. When he saw his mother turning to look at him, he quickly turned away, afraid to look at the old lady in the eyes. At 4:30pm, they finally saw the doctor.

"Sir, I don't think there is anything serious enough to ward your mother for." The emergency doctor rejected his request. But he came prepared.

"What???!!! After I spent more than a hundred dollars on the private ambulance to bring my mother here, you say don't admit??? Can you be responsible if something happens? I want to complain!"

The part about complaining always worked. Mr Tan left the A and E at 5pm.

********************

"What's the story?" The Medical Officer asked his Houseman.

"75 year old lady. History of CVA with left hemiplegia. Social admission lah." The Houseman replied.

"Oh yeah, now is the September school hols. Season for granny dumping. December even worse!"

The Medical Officer spoke in Hokkien to the old lady, "Aunty how are you?"

Of which she replied in her slurred speech," Can have Milo? I never eat since morning."

As the two doctors walked away to ask the nurse for some food, Mdm Ong struggled to take out a picture of her grandsons from her pocket with her good hand. She missed them already. All she wished was that they had a good time in Hong Kong. It was just one week. One week later they will come, pick her up and she can go back home again.

Head Poppers!

My clinic suffers from very severe head popping of patients who just can't wait for their turns! Today, I offically launch my head pops counter in my side bar to record how many heads actually pop into my clinic when not called!

Doctor Superstar

If they can do it, so can we!




With the increasing bad publicity on doctors and hospitals these days, it is about time the faternity do something about its own image.

A good way I think will be to hold a reality idol contest, not unlike Singapore Idol or Project Superstar. Sorry hor, but this contest will not be extended to senior drs who are in their own rights idols already (yes, we worship them in the hospitals!!). We are going for an image revamp and receding hairline just does not fit the bill. Dentist, PhD holders, sinsehs and Steven Lim will of course be excluded as well.

The Arena
Where then should we hold the inaugural season of Doctor Superstar? My suggestion will be TTSH. After all it is always full (crowd garaunteed!) and the A and E waiting time is one of the longest (free entertainment for qeueing patients!). We can just relocate those left over wooden stages from the seventh month getai for a quick fix!
The finals will of course be held in the indoor stadium where the final two super doctors must perform appendicectomy on each other while singing the theme song! Cut throat stuff!!

The Looks
To be an idol these docs must score in the looks department. But heh, our recent top three idols comprised of a crater face pizza delivery boy, an Ah Beng wannabe and a Miss Piggy look alike. So no worries man! We have at least one doctor who made it to Cleo top 3 most eligible bachelor and at least one doctor who joined star search (but din make it to anything other than embarrassment). We will parade them in hospital scrubs, full OT gown and not forgetting our infectious control PAPR suit!

The ContestWith whole myriad of disciplines, it will be unfair to test our idols just on a particular field like X ray reading or surgical skills. Instead, we will stick to singing. We want to engage the public, make them feel that we are also heartlanders! We will sing hokkien gua! Lai ah lai ah, loctor chui gua, long zhong lai tia!

The ControvesyThere will be no lack of controvesy given that almost all doctors are visually impaired (when they take off their glasses). They are also emotionally handicapped like most patients and their family will tell you. Sleeping with judges to rig the contest can be staged with the camera crew secretly filming their left over underwears in the on call room!

The Judges
We will as usual need one bad guy, one good guy and an over the hill female singer. Since the singing is just for show, we might just go for an over the hill Mediacorp actress who had at one time been singing but is now busier with selling slimming products and baby milk powder. Dr Og will volunteer to be...... the good guy of course lah! I will invite that lady who made the bogus complain on the forum (see this) as our resident evil judge seeing that she had the ability to criticise doctors on national paper for no reason at all!

Come to think of it, staging such an event will be a logistic nightmare. Maybe it will be easier to just dump 10 doctors in Sister Island with some angry patients and families! The Survivor wins!!