4ever Young

When I was a Houseman, I often see the fear in the eyes of the patients I treated.

The nice patient would say: Lokun you look so young... (then shiver)
The nasty one would say: Lokun you real one or not, now they let teenagers into med school meh???

Ok, the truth is I DO look young but I feel that looking young is better than being mistakened for your balding Professor. Tio boh?

A word of advice for patients, don't make your doctor kan cheong la. Wait he aim buay zhun, who suffer you tell me?

It has been ten years down the road and with the receding hairline, the complaints have been less. But recently I got one from a female patient.

Pt: Dr Og, you had a hair cut. You look much younger than the previous times I saw you...
Dr Og: Real or not?
Pt: Seems like you are younger than me right, I thought you are older...
Dr Og: Isit? Lemme see your ic number starts with what. yah... I abit younger la.
Pt: Like that I cannot see you anymore!

I can understand if someone goes to a nightclub and insist on someone younger. But I'm your doctor can? You think matchmake isit????

And I don't get tips ok!

Solid song from a forgotten era!

The Seventh Month

Someone asked me why I have not been blogging.


Simple truth is that sometimes when I blog, I feel like I'm writing to myself, or worse, to ghosts.... since there is hardly any response from whoever is reading (if any).....


But since its the hungry ghost month, its highly appropriate for me to at least make an entry for the ghosts out there supporting this blog. (My mother will surely scream choy! and hit me in the head if she saw this)

Source: http://asiaparanormal.blogspot.com/

For the Chinese at least, the seventh month can be a rather scary time. We were brought up to believe that the hungry ghosts will do us harm and going out late at night and activities such as swimming were frowned upon during this month. The seventh month this year has been somewhat unsual in that we celebrated NDP in a big way in Marina and will be having the presidential election soon! The pompous fireworks and wong hei (王气) will surely send all the ghosts into hiding!


But that is not true for our hospitals! There remain many scary and unnatural things that we have to look out for! 


The Ghost Whisperer


Technically not scary but suspected to be a spirit medium / tang-ki (乩童) of sorts who serves to bridge the living to the dead. He is usually a junior doctor who appears to be very busy and would disappear for a long time but not get anything done at all. When confronted he would insist that he has done a lot of work although not witnessed by any living patients. It is likely that he has an inert ability to see things that other normal house officers and medical officers cannot and was busy helping those poor souls still lingering the corridors of our wards. His disappearance can be explained by the fact that he transists between earth and the netherworld without really knowing. In actual fact, his colleagues all hope that he will go to hell too!

The real Ghost Whisperer looks nothing like this la!

The Lift

Frightful stuff inside!

Otherwise known as The Elevator. Super slow and often contains scary objects! The Lift in the hospital has a mind of its own having been possessed by the spirit of a nasty ward nursing manager who met an untimely death when the ECG leads, stationeries and paper she was hoarding fell onto her one day. True to her (mean) spirit, you will wait long long if you needed a ride to go to the upper levels. Worse, if you are really down on your luck, The Lift will  bring you down to Level -18 instead where you WILL bump into your CEO!!


The Zombies


Another breed of doctors. Unlike the Ghost Whisperer, the Zombies are doctors who specialises in KLKK (Kia Lai Kia Kee) and have no specific directions (be it in life or in their medical career). They are seen wandering and bumping into one another, often getting in the way of those doing real work. Occasionally, by brownian, these Undead Walkers will wander into the canteen and start having a nice cup of coffee while their fellow doctors continue to slough to their deaths in the ward. The Zombies can be identified by their lack of expression and of eye contact. (Compare this again to the Ghost Whisperer who is often anxious and frightened having seen things they shouldn't...) The Zombies come to work in crumpled clothes having have no motivation whatsoever! 

Blood stains from yesterday's surgery

The Gwai Lo (鬼佬)


Literally "ghost man" in Cantonese, these ghosts are often foreign and used to be mostly pale white when spotted in the past. Recently, black coloured ones have also appeared and have become so prevalent that you are more likely to bump into one of these than an actual Singaporean human! It is also pertinent to note that one must avoid them at all costs this seventh month as it is also Jay-See-I (pronounced J-C-I) haunting month. They may well be one of the auditors from Gwai Lo Land and it will be a straight road to hell if you kennah caught by them!

Bird Park II 之鸟中鸟

R RATED, Read on if you are 18 and above.

Dr: Yes young man, how can I help you?
鸟人: Loctor ar, I cannot piak piak...

Dr: Pee-ark Pee-ark? What is that?
鸟人: Aiyah, piak piak loh you know... (moves his right middle finger in and out of his left fisted hand)

Dr: Oh... You mean to have sexual intercourse?  
鸟人: Yah la, sex la. How loctor??? Can help boh? Got medicine?

Dr: So you have problems when you have sex with your girlfriend?
鸟人: No. I no girlfriend.

Dr: Prostitutes?
鸟人: No, my mother say cannot go find chicken.

Dr: Boyfriend??
鸟人: Loctor, you say I homo?? I hoot you understand???

Dr, puzzled: Then??
鸟人: I kaki lai! My left hand! (hand still fisted)

Dr, sighs: so whats the problem?
鸟人: I think I don't last long enough.... Can I have 伟哥??

Dr: But who are you having sex with??
鸟人 (grins): Don't have but I want to be stronger mah!

A Corn Job?

Suddenly, in Dr Og's FB, alot of status say going Fire Drill. Seems like in recent weeks, there have been a spike in the number of drills performed all across the hospitals of our little island! If only I can bring my dog to work, he would be very excited!

Well, there are no dogs in hospitals but there are DOCS. The everyday challenges of life and death are seriously insufficient to occupy the great minds of doctors. In between saving lives, docs are also expected to be involved in operational and administrative duties.

Jay in his corn field

The holy grail for the admin is of course Jay-See-I (pronounced as JCI). Jay is a Bee Kok Kia (from US) and every few years, he will come visit us in the hospital and See (actually more like scrutinize) how I am doing. He will issue you with a certificate if he thinks you are doing things right.

But I think Jay is a con corn man, peer jiat one! Does he know anything other than corn to tell us what to do? No, no, no... In true Americano Bee Kok style, he gets you to produce books and books of standards, protocols and policies and then audit you based on the standards you created. Like that very sinang mah, Jay just make you do the work and collect his million dollars fee after he tells you how terok you are!

Actually like that also is very simple for us, as long as we make the policies easy for ourselves! But how can right? We kiasu, kiasi! We need to SM ourselves with the highest standards. If Jay tells us to jump 5 metres, we die die jump 10 metres!

In the ward...

Medical Officer: Why I cannot use blue pen???
Sister: Bee-coz hor, Jay won't like it.
Medical Officer: But other wards can what!
Sister: You see you see, I photocopy blue ink not clear! Wait sure fail Jay-See-I! And you also cannot use fountain pen bee coz will fade. And you cannot use gel pen because will smudge. And...

Somewhere else...

Staff Nurse (SN): Doooctooor, harder! Yes, deeper! 
Senior Consultant (SC): I cannot tahan liao! (panting) How many more thrust???
SN: Oh Dooctooor, almost there! almost there!

The SC is of course performing chest compression on a mannequin at the Basic Cardio Life Support (BCLS) Course with the trainer who is the SN. Never mind that he is all 70 years old and might collapse anytime himself. Also never mind that he has 40 years of experience in Anaesthesia and the number of resuscitations he has done are too many to be counted. Even more never mind that his trainer has never resus anyone other than a plastic mannequin (and if the SC collapse the SN would fail in resuscitating him).

Why liddat? Because Jay-See-I...

Again, this is all very solid if we can maintain high standards we saboed ourselves with. But oh no... being Singaporeans, we only mug when the exam is round the corner, right? So in the half year prior to Jay's arrival, we suddenly gotta chop our names, write the date and time, use black ink (but no fountain pen), get accreditated for BCLS and of course, there's always the fake fire to learn how to run away from.

Interesting Fact: Fire was a discotheque popular in the 70s. The patrons were all bengs and lians chanting "Fire fire in the sky..."

Tags: Fun, JCI, Medical, Quality

The meaning of (my) life

One day, my patient asked me this question as we were coming to a close of the clinic consult. This was a patient coming for her last review. She was going to be discharged from any further follow-ups as she has recovered fully.

Dr : "Well, before I discharge you, can I ask if you have any other questions?"

Pt: "Dr Flat, can you tell me what is the meaning of life?"

(Reflection is a great tool)

Dr: "Well, what do you think is the meaning of life?"

Pt: "..."

Dr: "..."

===

Life is what we make it out to be.