Doc...Kao Ying Buey? (Are you married?)

I have been asked this question on how to tell if your doctor is married.

1. Ask

a. The doctor himself/herself
DR: Hello. (Looks at clerking card) Miss Tan right? What brings you to the clinic today?
Miss Tan: Doctor… are you married?

DR: Hello Mr Tan. You look so tired today. What happened?
Mr Tan: Doctor… how many children do you have?

b. Other doctors
DR: Hello Miss Tan. How are you feeling today?
Miss Tan: Hi… do you know if Dr. Ong from Ward 45 is married?

c. The ugly, old clinic assistant (UOCA)
Miss Tan: Eh…ask you hor… your Dr. Ong… is he married?
UOCA: (without even looking up) Yes. To me.

d. Other patients
(In waiting area)
Miss Tan: Hmm.. just wondering if our Dr. Ong is married.
Miss Ang, Miss Lim, Miss Tay, Miss Chen, Miss Lee: (in unison) That’s what we want to know too!

e. The internet
You can always google. You may be surprised at what you might find. E.g. Using google to check for this doctor called Dr. BL Og will link you to his blog. However, you will still be unsure whether he is married or not.

2. Check for pictures

- Look out for photo frames on his desk, his wall. For many married doctors, apart from their degrees, they usually frame up some family pictures on the wall, the desk etc.
- Use the photos to ask more questions.

- Check his wallet! Creep silently like a ninja behind him when he is paying for food in the canteen. Then it will be revealed that...

- If little girl, likely his daughter or he is a pedophile.
- If sweet young thing, likely his girlfriend is still a university student (HEH!) or he still has not grown out of a certain phase in life yet
- If mature, gorgeous babe, likely his girlfriend/wife/mistress
- If more mature, slightly plump lady, likely his wife. Well, it may be his mother. But you sure you want to be with a guy who keeps his mother's picture in the wallet? If keep family picture I still can understand...
- If his own photo, he is likely to be narcissistic and won't be interested in you. Maybe if you are his twin brother. But then again that is another story for another day
- If little boy, likely his son or he is a homosexual pedophile
- If sweet young male thing/hunk/elderly man, he is likely gay. And you won't stand a chance. Unless you think you can convert him.
- If picture of a sheep/goat....... well......

3. Check the clinic room to look for circumstantial evidence
E.g. Are there any lunch boxes lying around? If there are, it may mean a few things.Examples
“…hey, I am happily married and this lunchbox is the evidence of my wife’s love and devotion to me…”

“…hey, I am married and my wife is controlling my finances. No choice but have to eat from lunch boxes...”

“…hey, I am not married but I have this love-hate relationship with my mother. She prepares lunch for me to symbolise her control over me…”

“…hey, I am not married and I am too stingy to go out for lunch…”

You may not want to know him better. Period.4. Check his fingers
- Are there rings there?- Well, many surgeons I know don’t wear their wedding bands because it is rather troublesome to have to take off/put on in the OT. For operations I mean. Not for er….other things like what they may do on Sunday Morning. So it may be a bit harder if you intend to chase a surgeon. But then again, why do you want to be with a surgeon? =P- Some of them wear the rings on their necklaces. Can check the neck as well. Can also check for love bites at the same time.

5. Stalk your doctor
- Highly effective but also highly illegal.

The above methods can all be tried, apart from number 5. Unless you want to be arrested and get sent to a mental hospital for evaluation. Unless your target is a psychatrist.

Outbreeding

Many fellow readers still seemed rather interested in dating doctors despite the many warnings I had dished out. Some asked me how to attract the attention of a doctor. You can try bending over your knees and kissing your buttocks. That attracts the attention of anyone.....

Dating doctors are not a good idea at all. really really really. For medical and paramedical staff, as mentioned previously, the simple factor of proximity sometimes sparks relationships. That one is boh bian. Why you want to purposely step on shit, I really dunno. But you want, ok loh.

First and most importantly, don't go pretend to be sick to see a cute doctor. Doctors are not allowed to go out with patients! Ethically forbidden. If you want an essay on boundary violations and why it is unethical to do so, email me, lets not bore the rest of the readers.

So how to meet doctors leh? I am in the process of starting the Og's registry of single doctors. The progress is slow as many had returned my survey form as "unspecified" or "I am in the process of breaking up". In the mean time I know some single doctors lurking around SDU and that gym I mentioned before.

To date a doctor, you have to tolerate certain idiosyncracies.

1. Like talking about gory things over dinner......
Doc: this drumstick really reminds me of the broken leg I fixed just now.
The Date: oh really? how so? (kay kay (pretend) interested)
Doc: here have some, can't finish (he breaks the drumstick from the spring chicken) you know, the leg was hanging loose like this drumstick loh (he swings the drumstick like a pendulum), wah I tell you, the blood splurt splurt splurt (he puts the drumstick on her plate and started pouring ketchup for her). Eat leh!
The Date abit nauseated but politely took a bite: how exciting..... heh heh.....
Doc: come to think of it, din wash my hands. you wait ar, I go wash room.

2. Like he is never sympathetic when you are sick.
The Date: I think I got dengue.
Doc: Fever?
The Date: Yes...
Doc: Muscle pain?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Headache?
The Date: No.....
Doc: Rashes?
The Date: No...
Doc: Not Dengue. Where we going for dinner? Lets go back to the same place, I saw another broken leg today!

3. Like he is also not sympathetic when your relatives are sick.
The Date: The doctor says my mum has Myasthenia Gravis.
Doc: Oh, that came out for my MBBS long case. Interesting case it was too.....

4. Like he is always walking so fast.
The Date: Can you walk slower abit. My feet got blisters already....
Doc: Sorry, walk so slow can never finish morning round one. I 'm used to this pace. You will get use to the blister one.

5. Like he is always too busy to go out with you.
HO: heh, what happened, you look so sad?
MO: my girlfriend just sms me to breakup.....
HO: what happened, quarrelled about something?
MO: where got quarrel? haven't seen her for one week.....

Cross Breeding

A doctor-doctor relationship invariably breaks down when the man doctor realizes the woman doctor has no intention to give up her practice to start a family. Of course those female chavinist will argue: "Why not the man give up his career???" But we all know very well that if the man did that, he will still lose his woman. Who are we kidding, DOH!

While its attempts at inbreeding might have failed, the fish does not swim far beyond its pond to look for a new prey. It usually cross breeds with other species within the hospital same pool of water.

By natural selection, nurses become the target of choice. Of course we are not talking about senior senior senior staff nurses like Suzie and Wuzie here (read this). Those belong in our hall of fame simply on the terms of their antiquity. We are talking about young and pretty little Missies just fresh from nursing school. Let Dr Og warn you here that there ARE wolf-doctors in sheepskins preying on these young impressionable girls. Though on the same note, there are girls who became nurses with the sole aim of marrying a doctor. Of course these blacksheeps belong to the minority and are prolly regressive individuals who never got beyond uniform fetishism.

The majority of doctors are really just dorks when it comes to the affairs of the heart. However don't we just LOVE those protocols and clinical pathways! Allow Dr Og to guide you with the all new, validated Og's Pathway of Finding True Love In Hospital:

Step 1: Research
I'm not trying to ask you to go and get a PI to investigate the girl lah . Background research is essential to find out if the ger is already attached (means no hope liao) or if she is even remotely interested. The best way is to ask the other nurses (never mind being laughed at!). One of my colleague made the mistake of asking a soft spoken Staff Nurse for a date without first finding out that she did not like short plumbish doctor with receding hairline who are 10 years older than herself. She screamt her head off and ran away.

Step 2: Induction
In kindergarten, you expressed your love by pulling the girl's hair. You can very much do the same in the wards though Dr Og really doubt that the nurse you are interested in will appreciate it very much. Try instead to induce some feelings by arguing about why the patient required hourly monitoring or refusing to set a new plug for the one she had dislodged again.

Step 3: Reconciliation
If you successfully created some sparks with the man-made friction and avoided getting yourself burnt with a complaint, you know you can proceed further. Now is the time to buy her some hot drinks from the vending machine during the cold and lonely night calls. She will appreciate the fact that you remember her despite a busy call though you really just wanted to do things on the sly for fear of getting ridicued!

Step 4: Look, Listen, Feel
Look to see if she recipocrate. Suddenly, your plugs stop dislodging mysteriously and your morning bloods are all taken.
Listen for any rumours or gossips amongst her jie mei. If she is to reject you, it is likely she will be broadcasting your antics as a joke to the whole world.
Feel. Not asking you to feel her all over! At this stage, you will just end up arrested. Feel instead for the vibes!

Step 5: Group therapy
Things are going your way but you are shy and she is shy. So how? It is now time to invite other doctors and nurses for an outing in a group. You can ask her for her handphone number on the pretext of the outing. This will be a chance for you to get to know her outside the hospital setting. (And also to see if she looks good in something other than her uniform!)

Step 6: Individual Therapy
During the group outings, create some opportunities to be with her alone. Volunteer to drive her home. Set up the next date with her alone! You are almost done!

Step 7: Boundary Setting
Like the cat, you must set up boundaries and declare the territory yours. Unlike the cat, urintating is not going to work. Set up a spy network of doctors and nurses to monitor for any invading enemies. If you find any other doctors trying step 1 to 6 with your ger, bring him to one corner and sort things out. If not, get your friends to blanket him (provided he is more junior than you)!

Attempts to bluff xiao mei mei to the call room in your birthday suit will earn you an automatic expulsion from the faternity!

Inbreeding

One night, a classmate from med school came to chat with me after admitting his patient to my ward. Actually Dr Og has the memory of a goldfish and had forgotten his name altogether. So I tried to quickly switch the topic to his girlfriend, another classmate whom I knew better.

Og: So how's A ah?
Classmate-dunno-name stared at me in awkward silence but managed to mumble something after a while: She should be alright..... I guess.....

I got the drift and quickly excused myself on the pretext of having to answer a page.

The next day, I went to kaypoh abit and found out that A had broken up with T (I also found out his name hahaha). The disturbing thing was that A is now going out with C another colleague of mine and T is going after J, also my classmate. T also happened to be the ex boyfriend of W who was in the same department as me. Confused? Go draw the relationship diagram yourself!!

Indeed, inbreeding (jargon for those involved in doctor-doctor-relationship) is prevalent in medicine. This results in the intricate and sometimes embarrasing relationships amongst doctors. Consider this imaginary scenerio:

Dr Tan's wife is pregnant with twins and will be undergoing lower segment caeserian section at a local hospital. In the OT,

Anaesthetist: Hi, Mrs Tan. I'm Dr W, your anaesthetist for today. Oh, I happen to also be your husband's ex girlfriend. Your surgeon today is Dr C, (lowers her volume), I actually dumped him last time for your husband. Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge against Dr Tan. I'm now happily married to Dr B. He is your baby's neonatologist!
Mrs Tan: Can you get my husband here, I will like to kill him!

So you see, relationships between doctors are often uncomfortable and bizarre with the rampant inbreeding. If Dr Og needed a circumcision, rest assured he will be crossing the causeway to our neighbouring country.

I Love You Too

I once had an eccentric colleague named Bob (name changed to protect his identity). He was 5 years older than I was and I loved listening to his exploits.

One day, we were just having our usual boh liao conversation when he told me, " You know BL, I told my mum that I loved her yesterday......"

While you might see caucasians hugging one another in sitcoms saying "I love you all" all the time, we Chinese never ever do so. Maybe he came from a really westernized family?

"No lah." He replied. "Its just that it hasn't been easy for me to get to where I am today if not for them. I always felt I never thank my parents enough."

Indeed, Bob did not take the usual route to medicine. He only decided he wanted to study the art of healing after he completed his National Service. He had to wait another year while he applied for an overseas university and his parents had to mortgage their flat to support him through his studies in UK.

"After that, I ran up to my dad, gave him a hug and said I love you too!" He said, laughing. "He looked so in shock, I was worried he would get a stroke, hahaha...."

His words made me wonder when it was that I last expressed some form of gratitude towards my own parents. Being ever so busy with work I had always put off plans to bring them out. You cannot forget that important anniversary with the wife or girlfriend without grave consequences but you always knew that all your parents would say is "Its ok, the next time" if you had to cancel. Perharps all that is needed was a simple gesture like Bob's. A simple gesture that is so difficult to accomplish in our culture.

Suddenly, I felt I missed my parents alot.

"So how did your mum react? She must be really touched! Did she cry?" I asked.

Bob said sheepishly," No lah, she scolded me for giving her goose pimples!"

你 還 記 得 我 嗎 ﹖

In the wake of recent earth shaking events in the blogsphere, bloggers are now tiptoeing on what to blog about. I reckoned the safest blogs will be those girlie ones which focuses on meaningless BGR.

Dr BL Og shamelessly copycat:

她 是 我 同 班 同 學 ﹐也 是 公 認 的 校 花 。長 得 不 怎 樣 的 我 根 本 靠 不 到 她 的 身 邊 。而 她 對 我 說 的 第 一 句 話 便 是 ﹕“你 長 得 真 象 青 蛙 。 。 。 。”

我 們 在 這 種 沒 有 關 系 的 情 況 下 過 了 半 年 。 遇 見 時 也 只 是 打 打 招 呼 而 已 。

有 一 天 ﹐ 覺 得 無 聊 ﹐ 決 定 翹 課 。 到 商 場 閑 逛 的 時 候 竟 然 遇 見 她 ﹗ 我 們 彼 此 望 着 對 方﹐ 笑 了 起 來 。 原 來 她 也 受 不 了 那 悶 死 人 的 物 理 老 師 。 就 這 樣 ﹐ 我 們 在 咖 啡 廳 聊 了 一個 下 午 ﹐ 她 對 我 的 印 象 也 應 此 大 有 改 進 ﹗

雖 然 關 係 好 了 ﹐ 我 也 只 是 在 她 身 邊 的 其 中 一 只 蒼 蠅 。但 我 並 不 象 那 些 死 皮 賴 臉 的 無 恥 之 輩 。 我 好 歹 也 出 自 名 校 ﹐ 怎 麼 可 以 為 了 追 求 一 個 女 孩 而 做 出 一 些 有 辱 校 風 的 事 ﹗ 我 唯 有 默 默 的 徘 徊 在 她 的 身 邊 。

我 看 着 她 愛 上 籃 球 隊 的 隊 長 。 我 看 着 她 失 戀 。 我 看 着 她 又 愛 上 學 生 會 的 會 長 。我 又 看 着 她 失 戀 。 後 來 她 好 象 累 了 ﹐ 她 哭 着 說 不 想 再 談 戀 愛 。為 了 安 慰 她 ﹐ 我 和 她 一 起 翹 課 ﹐ 到 海 邊 散 步 。為 了 逗 她 開 心 ﹐ 我 不 惜 花 時 間 為 她 折 千 紙 鶴 。

那 年 華 人 農 歷 初 三 ﹐ 她 突 然 打 了 個 電 話 ﹐ 要 我 和 她 單 獨 到“春 到 合 畔 ”。 很 巧 ﹐ 我 的 死 黨 S 也 想 找 我 出 去 逛 逛。 我 竟 然 傻 得 叫 他 一 起 去 ﹗ 現 在 回 想 起 ﹐ 也 真 不 知 道 自 己 當 時 在 做 些 什 麼 ﹗

不 用 說 ﹐ S 和 她 一 拍 即 合 ﹗ 畢 竟 S 當 時 是 個 小 混 混﹐ 他 還 擁 有 自 己 的 一 輛 摩 托 車 。 比 起 我 這 個 不 起 眼 的 “ 青 蛙 ”﹐ 真 的 酷 多 了 ﹗ 我 也 只 能 怪 自 己 白 白 的 丟 了 一 個 大 好 的 機 會 。 。 。 。 。

S 不 到 一 個 星 期 就 已 經 對 我 說 ﹕“ 我 想 我 是 愛 上 她 了 ﹗ ” S 每 天 騎 着 他 的 摩 托 車 來 接 她 放 學 。 她 也 從 來 沒 拒 絕 過 S 。

我 決 定 不 再 對 她 存 有 任 何 幻 想 。 漸 漸 地 ﹐ 我 刻 意 疏 遠 了 她 。 我 不 再 和 她 一 起 搭 公 車 。 我 不 再 和 她 一 起 到 餐 廳 吃 飯 。 我 無 時 無 刻 都 在 逃 避 她 的 眼 神 。我 的 成 勣 這 時 候 已 經 一 落 千 丈 ﹐ 我 不 能 在 墮 落 下 去 。我 必 須 全 神 投 入 在 功 課 之 中 。

很 奇 怪 ﹐ 後 來 S 跟 本 沒 追 到 她 。也 許 應 為 S 只 是 個 中 學 畢 業 生 吧 。

考 完 試 後 ﹐ 我 開 始 了 國 民 服 役 的 生 涯 。 聽 說 她 要 到 國 外 流 學 。 臨 走 前 ﹐ 她 寫 了 封 信 給 我 。 最 後 一 句 話 是 ﹕ “ 我 不 知 道 你 為 何 避 開 我 ﹐ 也 許 你 只 當 我 是 小 丑 ﹐ 我 卻 當 你 是 我 最 好 的 朋 友 ﹐ 也 請 你 不 要 回 應 這 封 信 。”

就 這 樣 ﹐ 我 們 斷 交 了 。 。 。 。 。 。

再 與 她 偶 遇 竟 然 是 在 八 年 後 的 一 個 深 夜 。 我 們 都 在 職 班 。 她 是 麻 醉 師 而 我 為 病 人 動 小 手 術 。 她 對 我 說 的 唯 一 一 句 話 ﹕ “ 可 以 開 始 了 。” 我 默 默 的 點 頭 。

其 實 我 很 想 問 她 ﹕ “ 你 還 記 得 我 嗎 ﹖....... 你 快 樂 吧 ﹖ ”