Bird Park II 之鸟中鸟

R RATED, Read on if you are 18 and above.

Dr: Yes young man, how can I help you?
鸟人: Loctor ar, I cannot piak piak...

Dr: Pee-ark Pee-ark? What is that?
鸟人: Aiyah, piak piak loh you know... (moves his right middle finger in and out of his left fisted hand)

Dr: Oh... You mean to have sexual intercourse?  
鸟人: Yah la, sex la. How loctor??? Can help boh? Got medicine?

Dr: So you have problems when you have sex with your girlfriend?
鸟人: No. I no girlfriend.

Dr: Prostitutes?
鸟人: No, my mother say cannot go find chicken.

Dr: Boyfriend??
鸟人: Loctor, you say I homo?? I hoot you understand???

Dr, puzzled: Then??
鸟人: I kaki lai! My left hand! (hand still fisted)

Dr, sighs: so whats the problem?
鸟人: I think I don't last long enough.... Can I have 伟哥??

Dr: But who are you having sex with??
鸟人 (grins): Don't have but I want to be stronger mah!

A Corn Job?

Suddenly, in Dr Og's FB, alot of status say going Fire Drill. Seems like in recent weeks, there have been a spike in the number of drills performed all across the hospitals of our little island! If only I can bring my dog to work, he would be very excited!

Well, there are no dogs in hospitals but there are DOCS. The everyday challenges of life and death are seriously insufficient to occupy the great minds of doctors. In between saving lives, docs are also expected to be involved in operational and administrative duties.

Jay in his corn field

The holy grail for the admin is of course Jay-See-I (pronounced as JCI). Jay is a Bee Kok Kia (from US) and every few years, he will come visit us in the hospital and See (actually more like scrutinize) how I am doing. He will issue you with a certificate if he thinks you are doing things right.

But I think Jay is a con corn man, peer jiat one! Does he know anything other than corn to tell us what to do? No, no, no... In true Americano Bee Kok style, he gets you to produce books and books of standards, protocols and policies and then audit you based on the standards you created. Like that very sinang mah, Jay just make you do the work and collect his million dollars fee after he tells you how terok you are!

Actually like that also is very simple for us, as long as we make the policies easy for ourselves! But how can right? We kiasu, kiasi! We need to SM ourselves with the highest standards. If Jay tells us to jump 5 metres, we die die jump 10 metres!

In the ward...

Medical Officer: Why I cannot use blue pen???
Sister: Bee-coz hor, Jay won't like it.
Medical Officer: But other wards can what!
Sister: You see you see, I photocopy blue ink not clear! Wait sure fail Jay-See-I! And you also cannot use fountain pen bee coz will fade. And you cannot use gel pen because will smudge. And...

Somewhere else...

Staff Nurse (SN): Doooctooor, harder! Yes, deeper! 
Senior Consultant (SC): I cannot tahan liao! (panting) How many more thrust???
SN: Oh Dooctooor, almost there! almost there!

The SC is of course performing chest compression on a mannequin at the Basic Cardio Life Support (BCLS) Course with the trainer who is the SN. Never mind that he is all 70 years old and might collapse anytime himself. Also never mind that he has 40 years of experience in Anaesthesia and the number of resuscitations he has done are too many to be counted. Even more never mind that his trainer has never resus anyone other than a plastic mannequin (and if the SC collapse the SN would fail in resuscitating him).

Why liddat? Because Jay-See-I...

Again, this is all very solid if we can maintain high standards we saboed ourselves with. But oh no... being Singaporeans, we only mug when the exam is round the corner, right? So in the half year prior to Jay's arrival, we suddenly gotta chop our names, write the date and time, use black ink (but no fountain pen), get accreditated for BCLS and of course, there's always the fake fire to learn how to run away from.

Interesting Fact: Fire was a discotheque popular in the 70s. The patrons were all bengs and lians chanting "Fire fire in the sky..."

Tags: Fun, JCI, Medical, Quality

The meaning of (my) life

One day, my patient asked me this question as we were coming to a close of the clinic consult. This was a patient coming for her last review. She was going to be discharged from any further follow-ups as she has recovered fully.

Dr : "Well, before I discharge you, can I ask if you have any other questions?"

Pt: "Dr Flat, can you tell me what is the meaning of life?"

(Reflection is a great tool)

Dr: "Well, what do you think is the meaning of life?"

Pt: "..."

Dr: "..."

===

Life is what we make it out to be.

Al' Cheapo

Claim kopi with envelope??? You think I so cheapskate???





Yes, I am :)

Only Human

"The many docs who recognize themselves as regular humans are the ones who seem to empathize best. My doctor is a real person, I hope I am too."

From Twitter @DrOttematic

Spinal Reflex

Once upon a time, in a country not too far away, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore full-faced motorcycle helmets while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see who they were. The authorities decided to ban all full-faced motorcycle helmets in the country.

In the next few months, the number of bank robberies reduced. Even though the number of motorcyclists who sustained severe head injuries and the number of fatalities from road traffic accidents increased, the authorities were happy since there were less bank robberies.

Within the next few months, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore ladies' stockings over their heads while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see what they looked like. The authorities decided to ban all sale of ladies' stockings in the country.

In the next few months, the number of bank robberies reduced. The sales of razor blades in the country increased rather significantly and the number of shops that do waxing sprung up all over. The authorities were happy since there were less bank robberies.

Within the next few months, there were a series of bank robberies. Based on the CCTV recordings, the robbers wore toy masks over their heads while committing the heinous acts of crime. No one could see what they looked like. The authorities decided to ban all sale of toy masks in the country.

The children cried.

===

In many places, knee jerk reaction is the norm. The reason it is called a spinal reflex is because the reaction does not use the brain.

Changing Times

Dr Tan Cheng Bock appears in the latest SMA News. Inside you can also see a picture of him with Dr Ang Yong Guan (of the jin jia cham, sibei cham fame) and Mr Tan Jee Say.

Times have changed!

Read the article here.

Tags: Singapore, Politics

The Nocturnist

Dr Og read on ST today that Bee Kok hospitals have a new subspecialty called The Nocturnist!

It's been discovered that Docs at night very sleepy (ah bud den??!) and we need to train a new breed of nocturnal drs.

Vampires would have made the ideal NOCTURNIST, except that at the time of this blog, I still have not friend (FB or otherwise) a real one (though blood suckers are aplenty in any HR dept).

I think it's very impt for Singapore to quickly adopt this concept and start a residency programme to train vampire doctors! Trust me, Jay-See-I (pronounced as J-C-I) will soon audit you for the number of bats noctunal specialists you have working the witching hour!

And Dr Og volunteer to be the master vampire training director! In fact, I already have the training schedule in place. For the first year of residency, our dear residents just need to hang around. As precious residents, we cannot expect them to do any work before they are nortunalised can we?

In the second year, they will learn to take blood like true vampires; needles and syringes optional. The number of blood they can take shall be limited to ONE. (If you work them too hard, they will quit and the programme will fail! How can residency fail tio boh?)

The third and final year will be the critical year! This will be the toughest year where they will be required to stay from 11pm to 6am...... in a discotheque. Please understand that the Nocturnist will be permanently nocturnal. As such where else can he go relax and unwind on off days? As far as Dr Og is concerned, we should only have female residents since budget is limited and girls can get into discos free on ladies nights! We need work life balance for the pos Gen Z mah!!!

So you might ask, Where got training like that!!?? Come on, we must be fair and treat our residents as slack as the other specialty.

To bring the concept further, we should also have nocturnal multidisciplinary team with nocturnal nurses, OTs, PTs and MSWs... (and not just uniform night in the discos). What the heck, why don't we set up our third medical school as a Nocturnally Imperial College or Imperially Nocturnal College ( whose name come first is very important and needs to be deliberated carefully).

Sounds stupid to you??!! Yeah, it probably is...

PS: Love Song For A Vampire :)

RETRO SIAH!!!

Tags: Fun, Nocturnist, Medical, Vampire

Bird Park

Via http://funny-pictures-blog.com/

In an outpatient clinic far far away, a tutorial was taking place...

Senior Doctor: This elderly gentleman said that he cannot stand. Uncle, can stand in the morning?

Ah Pek: Morning also cannot la.

Senior Doctor to Blur F**k Medical Student (BMFS): Please proceed with the examination.

BFMS starts examining Ah Pek's legs much to his displeasure.

Senior Doctor to BMFS: What are you doing???

BFMS panics: Er.... I can't find anything wrong with his legs, the strength and reflexes are intact... and he walked in just now.....

Senior Doctor: This is a urologist clinic you bodoh!

Tags: Fun, Urology, Medical Student

Dr Og's My Plate

Something made Dr Og sibei buay song recently. I had not long ago taken much effort to teach and help my daughter memorize this:

Then the Bee Kok president, Obama's wife, Michelle intro a new version!

Wah lau, you all can decide or not! Wait I get scolded by my bao bei daughter leh... ask her learn wrong things!

Also hor, Asians alot cannot lim guni la! Dairy products eat liao lao sai... I as a prooo-fessssioner suggest this one better:

1. Wine is now officially part of Asian cuisine with the mainland Chinese buying all the La-fite and La-tour! Now the ang mohs cannot afford their wine liao so of course you don't see it included in the western version! Wine is also good for health loh and one glass a day decreases your cardiac risk.

2. If you don't like La-tour and prefer to La-Kopi, drink kopi orh kosong! Unlike dairy, it has zero calories. Don't drink kopi how to survive the rest of the day??? Especially hang over from last night's wine!

3. Honestly, I don't really know what is Grain in the original version la. Dr Og only knows that here in Singapore, we eat RICE. Ok la, roti prata also can.

4. Bak You is also an essential part of our healthy diet. If no Lard, you will have no Bak Chor Mee, Char Kway Teow and every other (tasty) dish you can think of! Those who claim that Bak You is Bad For You, show me the evidence! Show me a single evidence based literature that Bak You is bad!

5. Starch and MSG is essential for making those thick thick broth that we all like so much. Especially shark's fin soup! Don't believe the Ang Moh when they tell you sharks are endangered la. The last I check, they are still attacking humans in Bondi Beach Australia leh.

AND since people so gian to know what is on My Plate in the hospital, this is it loh:

We have lots of peanuts. Quite good la, a whole plate of it! You are also provided free water cooler H2O for lubrication while they shove it down your throat. If not enough, can find KY jelly anywhere in the wards!

Tags: Fun, My Plate, Diet

10 reasons why your Dr so BCC (Bin Chow Chow)

Ever kennah black face by your doctor? Well, being a loctor is a very very pek chek job. Ten reasons why your doc so buay song during a consult....

1) He hasn't had lunch becoz patients like you tend to oversleep and all come just before lunch time.

2) He hasn't had lunch and becoz u decided to have your hair done first ( since you were late anyway) he is not gonna make it home to watch 爱 on Channel 8.

3) You were already late for your appointment but when you were called you went to toilet pang sai.

4) Even though you were in the midst of kegg sai (bowel output), you got your maid to enter the consult room so that the lokun cannot see the next patient.

5) You remarked that he looked too young (thereby insinuating he is not experienced enough) and caused serious ego injury.
Or you remarked that he looked very old (thereby insinuating that his self injected botox treatment failed) and caused serious existential anxiety.

6) You ask for MC but did not even bother to read wiki to at least get some symptoms correct.

7) You asked for sleeping pills, cough syrup, pain killers (when you have no insomnia, cough or pain) becoz your source in Geylang in hiding.

But of course it's not always YOUR fault!

8) His wife found out about the drug rep / clinic assistant / nurse.

9) His new Porsche kennah drowned in the flash flood.

10) He is just born that way with a buay song facies... Dun be so sensitive la!