Houseman Survivor Guide - Introduction

Houseman Survivor Guide (Monkey Edition)
I. Introduction
II. Hospital Hierarchy
III. A Typical Day
IV. Painkillers
V. Meet The F*ckers

As the most junior of doctors in the hospital, life can be rather depressing. Do not expect any respect from the nurses, clerks or even cleaners. Do not expect any sympathy from your fellow more-senior doctors as we believe this to be a test of strength and the best time to prove yourself. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you a better man. To help you survive this trial by fire, I present to you a many parts mini series - The Definitive Housemanship Survivor Guide.

I have previously dropped some tips along the way like what a typical day entails and why panadol is so damn important. Today I kick off this series by having a detailed analysis of the types of housemen there are. Correctly knowing yourself is crucial for HOs or HOs to be improve! (no lah i just want to flame HOs after flaming MOs and nurses, hahaha)

1. The Sotong HO

Everywhere we go, we have sotongs. Those blur pricks who just can't seem to get their acts together. The Sotong always look busy but never seem to be getting anything done. During the rounds, he will get lost and cannot find the team.

MO calls the HO: Sotong! Where are you!!!
HO: huh?? I'm with the Consultant. The one who wears a crocodile belt.....
MO: Wah lau, that is the gynae team, you are in Internal Med, you BODOH!

The saving grace for a Sotong is that sometimes the blur-ness is just a transient reaction to adjustment disorder and he is actually trying his best.

2. The Zombie HO
Permanently dissociated, the hospital is to these HOs what full moon is to werewolves. These HOs do not smile and they do not cry. They do not take initiatives but when asked to perform tasks, they will do so.... like a Zombie. They recover when it is time to go home (see them take their bags and run out of hospital) and are permanently cured when they get promoted to MOs.

3. The Slow Coach HO
In medicine, the tortoise will never win the race. The slow coach HO is not just slow because he is new. He is inherently just......slow. He will take one whole night to see one new patient while his MO has to clear the rest of the 20 cases. He takes the whole morning to take a few bloods leaving his team members to pull out their hair (or what remains of a balding head) in frustration.

4. The Tai Tai HO
You recognise them with the LV or Gucci bags they are carrying. These girls come to ward rounds in high heels and have a tendency to fall on consultants. Male consultants with lots of mojo might give them some luviing but most of the time they just get a good scolding. These HOs are disinterested in their HO work and try their best to become gynaecologist.

5. The I'm-so-Angy HO

Forever BCC (臉臭臭), these HOs walk around with the you-owe-me-money look. The senior doctors want to ask them to do things also scared. Don't say the nurses.

MO: Hi, are you alright, how come you look so sad today.(trying to cheer her up)
HO: On call, what do you expect!!(walks away)

6. The HO from Hell
Every now and then, you get a HO that you say to yourself "SHIT!". These HOs come in many shapes and sizes, and different sex as well. But one thing is for sure, no one wants them in their teams.
Simply put it, these HOs quarrel with nurses, argues with Consultants, scolds patients and do not get their work done. They leave for post call right on the dot, disregarding the fact that 8am post call is just an admin ploy to make things look good on paper. They simply boh chap and leave leftovers for other HOs to clear.

They make mistakes but think that others are against them.

MO: er, I think you labelled the bloods wrongly....
HO from Hell: No i din!
MO: never mind just re-label it.

ten minutes later:
MO: you labelled it wrongly again!!!
HO from Hell: you all are against me!!!!! Boo hoo hoo (runs away crying)

If you happen to be a ger HO, crying might get you out of the fix. Male HO please don't try hor, you might just be mistaken as a gay and get a bashing in the toilet!

7. DAMN POWER HO (DPHO) Contributed by drrw

The one who is on the right ball. Unselfish, punctual, hardworking, mentally strong and doesn't crack under pressure easily, has good people skills to deal with difficult relatives, able to take blood and set plug perfectly 90% of the time, willing to learn and take constructive criticisms, independent, helpful, super efficient, medically competent, has good judgement when to call his seniors and has a good self awareness to know what he can handle himself, able to prepare for Grand ward round independently without embarassing MO and Registrars.

Hmmmm..... Sounds eerily like me. :P